Monday, December 11, 2006

Slums of Dublin...Part24 (The Brazzers' hit the Grove)

“Ma! Hey Ma, where’s me purple polyester shirt, elephant flairs, and desert boots?”. “Will ye shut bleedin’ up! I’m tryin to do the Lotto”. “Ah jaysus Ma, I need them ‘cause Deco’s posh mot Monica, is bringin’ us all to go the Grove in Raheny”. “Wha! That bleedin’ greaser place where all the fellas have hair down to their arse and the hippie mots don’t wear any bras! Next you’ll be smokin’ pot and goin’ to cider parties in St. Annes! Go and go to the bleedin’ Ierne instead and get yourself a good strappin’ wan from the country. She’d set ye bleedin’ straight!”. So off we head (meself, Deco, Monica, Phil, Mags, and Caroline) up to the Annesley Bridge to catch the 29A to Raheny. Deco goes into the off-licence at the Station House to buy a couple of naggins of Bulmers to drink in the bushes in St. Annes before the big night. As we approached the door of the Grove, Deco looked conspicuous in his Ben Sherman shirt, Wrangler parallels, and Doc Martin boots. “Hey man, we don’t want your sort in here!” sez one of the bouncers (as he’s smokin’ a reefer). “Wha! I’ll have all me mates from Harmo’ and Edenmore to bleedin’ sort yis out!” sez Deco. Monica quickly intervened and said “Listen dudes, I’ll give yis all a free ride later on if yis let him in!”. That hit the spot with the bouncers and we all barreled in for a night of rockin’ and ridin’. Everybody and anybody was there includin’ Biker Pat, Rolo, Eejit, Hayseed Dixie, Floydman, Finno, Blondie, and all the other “Heads” from Clontarf, Raheny, Sutton and Donnycarney. Cecil the DJ had the crowd doin’ air-guitar to the sounds of Wishbone Ash, Deep Purple, and Black Sabbath. O’ Course this did’nt sit well with Mags and she went up to Cecil and said, “Heeyah! Wha’s this shite music ye have on? If ye don’t put on somethin’ “cool” like Gary Glitter or David Cassidy, I’ll kick ye in the bollix!”. It was at that very moment that Cecil had an epiphany. “Well it just so happens that I hate this shite metal stuff too!” he sez. “Here, have a gander at me secret stash of albums I have hidden at the back here. These are me favourites and what I listen too at home when I don’t have these greasers to satisfy”. As Mags opened the box of LPs’ she saw the “Holy Grail” of “brazzer” music. They were all there – ShawaddyWaddy, Mud, BayCityRollers, The Osmonds, etc. “Now yer bleedin’ talking!” sez Mags, “Pur on ByeByeBaby by the Rollers cause I tink Woody is bleedin’ gorgeous!”. As soon as the first line started – “If you hate me after all I say ah ah!”, the brazzers’ had formed a circle with the handbags in the middle on the floor and joined in the chorus “ByeByeBaby Baby Goodbye ahahah…..!” Biker Pat and Rolo freaked out when they heard this and started a big bleedin’ mil. As the chairs, boots and fists started flyin’ the brazzers rolled up their sleeves and kicked the bollixes out of all and sundry. Deco was in his element as he thought to himself, “Jaysus! I luv these bleedin’ brazzers. Every time I go out with them there’s a bleedin’ riot!”.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Slums of Dublin...Part23 (Deco Dunnes Detective)

Well the Flea Degrees haven’t been heard from since the big gig in the Elbow Inn. The gardai in Store street found Mags bra hangin` out of the top of the Five Lamps in Amiens Street the next morning. The gardai in Ballymun found Sally`s knickers hangin` out of the top window in Patrick Pearse Tower. Caroline`s tights were found wrapped around James Joyce`s neck in North Earl Street. The girls are gone very bleedin` posh these days. Ever since the gig, they have hired Boyzone as their roadies (Boyzone broke up `cause their music was shite, and when they got the offer to roadie for the Flea Degrees, they jumped at the chance. Especially the clause in the job application that said payment was in "kind"!)Jaysus Caroline! It’s a small bleedin’ world after all. My best mate, (let’s call him “Deco” for privacy’s sake) works in Dunnes as a store detective and he bleedin’ loves it. He spends most of his time friskin’ all the oulwans as they exit. However, he was very lucky getting’ the job `cause he had just got out of the ‘joy after doin’ a 6month stretch for robbin’ the lead off Clery’s roof in O’Connell Street. I felt very bleedin’ sorry for him, so I invited him and his mot (lets call her Monica for privacy’s sake) over to my mots’ gaff – St Laurence’s Mansions in Sheriff Street flats, one night, and Gok mentioned how she loved workin’ on the cash-register in Dunnes. I could see Deco’s eyes light up in anticipation as Gok went into detail in describing the benefits of working in Dunnes (e.g. bring home “free
merchandise” every night). Anyway, we set him up with an interview for store-detective and he hasn’t looked back. He was tellin’ me one day last week an oulwan (lets call her Mags for privacy sake) was walkin’ out and looked very suspicious what with a pair of jugs bigger than melons and an arse on her that would change the course of the Nile. As Deco eyed her up and down, she retorted; “Heeyah! Have I
got 10 bleedin’ heads or wha!. Get yer bleedin’ mind out of yer jocks and don’t be gawkin’, ye bollix!” That made Deco mad, and he accosted her and brought her into his “interrogation” room. Turns out she was wearin’ 10 bras and 20 knickers. When the gardai came she pleaded for leniency and mentioned that she was a very religious
person and only stole items with saints names (in this case St. Bernard).

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Slums of Dublin...Part22 (The Big Gig,)

It was a bleedin` magic night. Everybody who was anybody was there including, Adam, Bono, and Garret Fitzgerald gettin` there "phoho" taken for the Sunday World. There was even some royalty - Prince Charles and his floozy, Camilla Parker-Bowles. There was a mad rush as soon as the front door of the Elbow Inn was opened, but GOK was there in her all leather "Bouncer" outfit sportin` her Gary Glitter tattoos, and she beat everybody back with arms built like tree trunks and fists built like shovels. Deco, being an experienced store detective, helped her out by friskin` all the brazzers. When the Royal couple approached, Gok gladly gave Charles a good goin` over, while Deco got his first feel of royal knickers. The Flea Degrees were in their dressing room (the ladies jax) sweatin` bricks. Sally had already gone through 40 Woodbines, Mags had said 10 decades of the rosary, and Caroline had to change her drawers twice she was such a bag of nerves. Joneser (DJOnline) was suppose to be doing the lighting, but all he had was a torch which he bought in the Banba stores earlier on. When it came time for the support band to come on stage, the lights were dimmed, and it was Joneser`s big moment, but the bleedin` batteries were dead in the flashlight, and he had to scarper down to Hector Greys to get new batteries. The support band, Weapon-X, kept fallin` over themselves in the dark, and when the singer Martin (J) bumped into the drums, he threw a wobbler, and spilled his pint of Guinness over the drummer. The band got into a big bleedin` mil then and threw each other into the mosh pit formed by a dozen brazzers at the front of the stage. Deco was taking advantage of the dark by goin` around and groping all the brazzers. When Joneser arrived back from Hector Grays, it was time for the Flea Degrees to make a grand entrance from the Ladies Jax. He stands on a stool in the back with the torch shining on the jax door and through a haze of Woodbine and Major smoke, out comes the girls all decked out in bovril, boot-polish, and whatever else the would give them a fake "dark" tan. Straight away they lashed into their biggest hit: "When will I see you again". This was Prince Charles’ favorite song, and as soon as he heard the first line, he was up on the stage in a flash. He grabbed the mike off Sally, and Caroline and Mags were both nibbling on his ears as he crooned. Deco got mad jealous, so he got up on a table and started doin` his Barleycorn impression; "Oh, Armored cars and tanks and guns came to take away our sons, But every man will stand behind the men behind the wire". The place was running amok when........

Monday, November 06, 2006

Slums of Dublin...Part21 (The Elbow Inn, Mary St.)

Well folks, tomorrow night is the big night, and the girls are wettin’ their knickers with worry. Flea Degree fever has taken over Dublin and CIE are puttin’ on extra buses from “Tallah”, Ballyer, Cuuulick, Ballymun, and Finglas. I heard there’s a big sale on the fruit and veg’ in Moore street because all the oulwans want to leave their stalls early and lash over to Peter Marks to get their curlers out for the big gig. The gardai have cordoned off Mary street and redirected traffic up Capel Street. There’s a queue lookin’ for tickets outside the Elbow Inn that runs right down to “De L’Ilac Centre”. Deco was caught tryin’ to sell forged tickets outside the CIE hall in Marlborough Street, but the gardai let him off when he gave them 2 free tickets for themselves. Me mate Joneser (DJOnline) said his mot is getting’ all the programs printed (on the Q.T.), at her factory job in Smurfits in Glasnevin. Rumours are rife as to who is playing support to the Flea Degrees. Everyone from Big Tom and the Mainliners, to Philomena Begley, and even Wee Daniel himself have been spreading all over Moore Street. Dosser, (ever the entrepreneur) got his mate Stu to run off a load a tee-shirts with 3 diddies on the front and he was sellin’ them out of a Roches Stores plastic bag on the corner of Liffey Street. Gay Byrne went on the air this morning to raffle off 2 tickets on his Morning Ireland radio show and the phone lines were jammed. The Wharf Tavern darts team had a fund raiser raffle last week for their annual trip (booze-up) to the Isle of Man, and first prize was 2 tickets to the Flea Degrees concert. On the night of the raffle the tickets mysteriously went missing and the lads had to quickly improvise and offer 2 free tickets to see Roly Daniels in the Old Sheiling instead. When all the oulwans in the Tav heard this they started a riot, and the Store Street gardai had to be called to evacuate the place. If yis haven’t got yisser tickets yet, Deco will be sellin’ some downstairs in the Flowing Tide tonight……See you there…

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Slums of Dublin...Part20 (The Flea Degrees.)

The two brazzers Mags and Caroline talked Sally into joining their new all-girl band The Flea Degrees……
Meself and Deco have been workin’ our bollixes off all last night puttin’ up the posters of The Flea Degrees for yizzer mega-gig on next Tuesday. I hope yiz are goin’ to throw a few bob our way. At the very least, yiz better buy us a pint in Briody’s pub, and give us a free ride off each of yis. We went all over bleedin’ Dublin, includin’ : the 15th floor of Liberty Hall, over Clery’s Clock, the top floor of St. Laurences Mansions in Sheriff St., over the stalls in the Ivy Markets, and on top of the Zhivago, (Where Love Stories Begin) sign in Westmoreland Street. Deco sez his Ma is bringin’ a big contingent of oulwans from the Legion of Mary. I hope the practice sessions in Lloyds bar in Amiens street are goin’ o.k. …. Ah Jaysus! The oul nerves are gettin to the girls. I can feel it in me water. Mags and Caroline were in a big bleedin` cat fight over who gets to be in the middle on stage, when Mags pulled off Carolines wig and threw it in the Tolka river. I had to go home to me ma and beg her for a loan of the mop so we could use the handle for to hold the mike and the top of the mop for Caroline`s new wig. It was bleedin` manky dirty all ready, but I lashed on the boot polish all the same just to give it that shiny look. Caroline looks like Whitney Heuston on a bad hair day with the wig (mop) on. P. S. Will someone please give me all the beef about what happened at the party in Deco`s house, where he was friskin` all the brazzers at the door. I told yis I was bleedin` palatic, and can`t remember. The only thing was I woke up in Fairview park the next morning with a pair of knickers in me pocket. I`d love to know which brazzer it was I was ridin`. The knickers were size 38 and the elastic was nearly gone in them. If the owner doesn’t claim them by tomorrow, I`m goin` to give them to me ma for her birthday.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Slums of Dublin...Part19 (Deco! Dunne's Stores Detective.)

"Ma!, hey ma!, where`s me Top-of-the-Pops LP?"..."Will ye shut bleedin` up, I`m reading True Detective!"..."Ah jaysus Ma! I need it for a party in Deco`s house tonight."..."Wha! that snobby bitch of an oulwan of his wouldn’t let anyone inside her door!"...."Deco`s ma is going on a retreat to Lough Derg with the Legion of Mary, and he has an empty house!"...."Lough-bleedin`-Derg! She should be locked bleedin` up , scallywaggin` all over O`Connell street, with her cross and rosary beads, annoyin` us poor bleedin` brazzers with her God-fearin` ways!"...I arrive in Moore Street with the pram full of fruit and veg from the Smithfield markets to find Deco, Monica, Phil, and Mags hangin` out by Big Muriel and Cross-eyed-Eileen`s stalls....They were all celebrating Deco`s new Store Detective job at Dunnes Stores, when Monica suggests to all the other brazzers, "Any chance yis`ll let Deco practice on yis for his new job?" So Deco lines all the brazzers up against F.X. Buckleys Butchers and sez, "Put yisser hands against the wall and spread yisser legs girls, someone has rifled the hosiery department of ten playtex bras and walked out without paying!"...Deco starts with Big Muriel and works his way down the line through Cross-Eyed-Eileen, Mags, and Monica, makin` sure to take his time friskin` all the girls. As he is rummaging through Mag`s blouse, he notices she`s not wearing a bra, and spends extra time frisking her.(And she`s lovin` every bleedin` minute of it!). He found a bag full of jewellery with the tags still on them saying Lawrence`s Jewellers. ..."Jaysus! Talk about being over-enthusiastic about the job, he`ll make a great bleedin` security guard, That’s my Deco!!" sez Monica..."Listen girls, yis are all invited back to me gaff for a jam-tarty tonight, but make sure yis are wearin` yer knickers, cause I`m on the door, and I`ll be friskin` all the brazzers!" sez Deco...."Hey Deco!, Here`s the LP you were asking me for. It`s bleedin` magic. It`s got Slade, Suzy Quattro, David Essex, and Mud(Tiger Feet). We`ll be boppin` the night away!". sez I..... Then I head down Henry Street to Peter Marks Hairdressers, to meet Caroline for lunch...As I`m waitin` for Caroline, she`s puttin` curlers in some oulwan`s hair, and showin` a new trainee hairdresser the ropes.... "Jaysus! What’s yer wan`s name, she`s a bit of bleedin` alright?" sez I(as I notice the new mot givin` me the eye!)... "Her name is Sally, and I`m her new boss, she does whatever I bleedin` tell her!...Heeyah Sally, there`s a bleedin` brush. Sweep up all the hair on the ground!"..."I luv bleedin` bossin` her around!" whispers Caroline....

Monday, October 16, 2006

Slums of Dublin...Part18 (South of the Liffey.)

"Ma, Hey Ma! where`s me O`Connell`s school cap? Its bleedin` lashin` outside."..."Will ye shut bleedin` up, I`m tryin` to pluck me eyebrows and do meself up for Sil Fox at the Old Sheiling tonight!"...I`m walkin` up Talbot street, when I bump into Monica all dickied-out in a tin-of-fruit that was ruffled in the front...."Howyeh Mon! What happened yeh, Yer suit is all ruffled at the front and yer shirt is undone?"..."Aw! I`m after been to me interview for the cashier job in Dunnes Stores, and that bleedin` Wacker fella was feelin` me up. He said it was part of the interview process. He even had Ben Dunne, the chief executive there as well and he gave me diddies a good rub down. He said it was part and parcel of being a Dunnes Stores cashier. The good news is I got the job, and even better news, I got Deco a job as a store detective. But when they found out that he just got out of the `Joy, they were a little reluctant, until I offered to give them both a ride!"..."Well Jaysus! we`ll have to celebrate! Why don`t you and Deco come with me and Ger on our holliers to Blackpool. Yis can bunk into our B&B?"..."That’s bleedin` deadly, and you`se are invited out tonight with me and Deco. It`s me last chance to go over the southside before I become a brazzer!"....So that night, me and Ger met Deco and Monica outside the Banba store in Tara street..."Ok lads! First stop is Mulligans pub in Poolbeg street, around the corner"... Me, Deco and Ger were a bit nervous with all the bleedin` snobs, but Monica was in her element...Ger looked out of place with her 6inch platforms, miniskirt and strapless boobtube top. Everybody in the pub seemed a little uneasy when they saw me and Deco in wrangler parallels and Docmartin boots. Of course, Ger had to start off her Gloria Gaynor impression..."At first I was afraid I was petrified....."...That gave the barman an excuse to get rid of us, but with Deco gettin hotheaded about being asked to leave, he decided not to charge us for the drinks. ...Next stop was Baggot street where we stopped into Doheny and Nesbitts. Mary Black was sittin` at the bar wearin` the face off Declan Synott...Monica went up to her to get her autograph..."Any chance Mary!"..."Can`t ye see I`m suckin` face! Here give me that beermat"...In the corner, Charlie Haughey had his arm around yer wan from RTE news. Next stop was Toners pub, but we kept losin` each other cause we couldn’t see through all the hair. Deco was goin` round saying "Peace man" to all the dudes...The smell of grease permeated the air and all the hippies kept admiring Ger`s strapless bube tube. One of the greasers offered Ger a weed, but she declined and said "I only smoke Major!”. Then we went to a gig in the Baggot Inn. The Lookalikes were playing and as soon as they came on stage, Monica and Ger were up in a flash, hangin` out of Paul O`Conner, and shouting into the mike..."Baby don`t leave `til I wake up...Baby don`t leave `til I wake up in the morning!"...I think Paul was embarrassed by them....After the gig, we stopped at the kebab stand outside the Baggot Inn and Deco`s face was covered in sauce after lashin` into a kebab...Then we hit Leeson street, but at every night club we were stopped by bouncers at the door...This made Deco mad, so he hijacked a taxi to bring us back over to the northside..."That’s the last bleedin` time we`re goin` south of the Liffey...bleedin` snobs!" he sez ,as he hands a match to Monica to set fire to the taxi...She did it without hesitation...That was my Harmonica...A true Dublin brazzer if there ever was one.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Slums of Dublin...Part17 (St.Teresa's Gardens.)

Ma, hey ma! Where’s me Man. United tracksuit, I need it for Nocter’s pub. Will ye shut bleedin’ up! I’m trying to rob some shillin’s out of the gas meter. Ah Jaysus ma, I have to meet Deco and his new mot Monica, and bring them to meet me mot Ger in Sherrifer. “That’s not that brazzer wan who was going round without a screed a clothes on in Croker was it?”… I meet Deco and the posh mot outside Nocters and bring them into the flats to meet Ger. Monica nearly wets herself with fear as we manouver through the burnt-out cars. A raspy voice calls out from the 2nd floor balcony of St. Theresa’s Gardens, “Douglas!, Portia!, Come in for yissaw bread and oxuuuuuu!” We arrive at Ger’s flat and I shout in the open letterbox, “Bridie! Get yer knickers on, I have company” …Ger arrives at the door bleedin’ scarleh. “This is me mate Deco and his mot Monica, Ye better get Bridie to put back in her false teeth and get out her best china cause Monica is as bleedin’ posh as they come”…Just then, Bridie arrives from the bedroom wearing a “Dublin 1 Kerry Nil” teeshirt (with no bra underneath)… “Jaysus Bridie! It fits ye like a bleedin’ glove!”… “Ma! Will ye get the china out of the cabinet for Monica!” sez Ger… “Wha! That stuck-up bitch can use a mug like the rest of us !”… “Ah jaysus! There’s no need for that now Mrs O’Kelly!” sez Deco. Out comes the Lyon’s tea and Marietta biscuits as we all try, (except Bridie) to make Monica feel more at ease… “Monica! I heard ye have a big bleedin’ job in the ‘Joy” sez Ger… “Well yes, but frankly, I’ve become disenchanted of late what with all the excess demands made of me from prisoners and screws alike. What I’d really like is a change of environment. I’m looking for a new challenge, a more rewarding career, something stimulating.” …. “Jaysus! I have just the job yer lookin’ for!” sez Ger. “Ye can work alongside me on the cash register at Penneys in Mary Street. It’s bleedin’ great and ye meet loads of other brazzers!” … “Yeah! And ye can rob a gansy load of socks for me so’s I can sell them in Moore street!” sez Deco… “Well, I’ll have to revamp my resume, and buy a new suit for the interview”, sez Monica… “Wha!, Interview!, Resume!, Are ye bleedin’ mad? Just flash yer diddies at Wacker the manager, and the jobs yours.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Slums of Dublin...Part16 (Glendalough.)

"Ma, Hey Ma! Do ye have a Roches stores plastic bag. I need it for to carry me gear for me holliers in Glendalough?"...."Will ye shut bleedin` up! I`m tryin` to watch Tolka Row on the telly!"..."Ah Jayz ma, I have to get all me gear ready for the mornin`. I`m meetin` Caroline at the St. Kevins` bus stop on Stephen`s Green!"..."That brazzer from O`Devaney Gardens! Jaysus, would ye not get yerself a nice posh mot from Clontarf or somewhere?"....Next Morning I head down to the Green, and there’s Caroline with a big bleedin suitcase at the busstop..."Jaysus, were only goin` for the weekend!"...."Well I`m not like you, wearin the same jocks for a week!"..."Hey! Since we`re beside the Dandelion market, Do ye want to go in and get some frenchies, and you ask for them cause I’d be too bleedin` embarrassed!"... Caroline goes up to this stall and asks a hippie mot for the frenchies, while I pretend to be rummagin` through lp`s in the next stall...."I have Durex and Trojan, but I make my boyfriend use Durex cause it feels much better!" We arrive at the Laragh Inn to be met by the proprieter Michael Lynham...He shows us to our room..."He re`s yer bunkbeds in the corner there. The other eight bunkbeds are already taken by the Tallaght boyscouts!"...."Jaysus! I thought we were gettin` a private room, and where`s the jax?"...."4fuksake! What do yis want for 50 quid, and yis can use the jax in the pub!"..."You can have the top bunk. I`m not letting bleedin` boyscouts watch me climb into bed at night. Jaysus I`m bleedin` parchin`, lets go get a vodka!" says Caroline.....Into the bar we head where we are introduced to our tour guide Aidan Lynham...."Howyis, are yis ready for a good hike up the Green road and a bit of history of the area?" ..."I hope theres not a lot of climbin` cause I only have me platforms!".....As we`re walkin` towards the old Mill hostel, I noticed Aidan kept starin` at Caroline`s diddies...."Now folks, this is where Saint Kevin had a monastery, and this is where the monks used to pray, and this is..."...."Jaysus Aidan, will ye stop talkin` shite and give us a bit of juicy history!" sez Caroline....."Well, let me see...Do ye see that shed over there, that’s where I got me first nat-king-cole"... Come to think of it, I noticed a lot of bockety sheep around....After the bollix walked the guts out of us for five miles or more, we eventually got back to Lynhams Pub. "I`m bleedin` starvin` , lets go get our dinnaw !"sez Caroline....Out comes gourmet chef, John Lynham. "Good evening folks, our menu this evening is Granby burger, Batchelors peas, and chips, garnished with one slice of lettuce!"...."Ah Jaysus, is that all? That wouldn’t feed a bleedin` pidgeon. Have ye got a few slices of Batch loaf to go with it?"...."I`m afraid that’s not part of your package, you`ll have to pay extra, 10p per slice of batch!"...That evening the entertainment was provided by John Aherne. As he is singing "The fields of Athenry", Caroline gets up to go to the jax. John shouts into the mike: "I wonder where that wan`s going?"..."Jaysus, yer makin` me bleedin` scarlet!"...At 1am its back to the "hostel dorm" where Caroline is trying to undress inconspicuously, while at the same time having a dose of the giggles (compliments of the 10 bacardi and cokes)....All the Tallaght boy scouts were playing "tents" at this stage...."Now lads! Close yisser eyes or I`ll tell yisser` Ma`s. Yisser a bit bleedin` young for gawkin` yet!"...11am the next mornin` we went back into the pub for a curer. We were sittin` at the bar when we noticed the barmaid (Bridget Lynham) pouring a pint of Guinness for a Yank tourist and putting a shamrock on the head. "I`ll have one of them!" says Caroline..."Sorry, thats only for the American tourists, not for brazzers!"...."Wha` Jaysus I`ll bleedin` reef ye!"....With that she grabs Bridget by the hair and tries to pull her over the bar...We got trun out with Caroline screamin` "I`ll get the Cabra Bootgirls to sort the bleedin` lot of yis out!"....That was Caroline, my Caroline, a true Dublin Brazzer if there ever was wan.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Slums of Dublin...Part15 (Mountjoy Jail.)

"Ma!, hey ma, where’s me sodality suit and pioneer badge, I need to look respectable cause I have to go and sign Decco out of the `Joy today. His 6months sentence is up"...."Will ye shut bleedin` up, I`m tryin` to wash yer oulads` jocks in the sink, and don`t be hangin` round with the Decco bollix, ye know he`s a robbin` fecker. Sure didn’t the Mex Garage have to get all their locks changed after the last time he stole all the tires for the Halloween bonfire!"....I arrive at Mountjoy prison to be met by Decco`s probation officer... a bleedin` posh lookin` mot called Monica (You know who I mean). She looked like one of those posh oulwans that sell perfume in Brown Thomas or Switzers (I apologize for goin` south of the Liffey), and wore an Aer Lingus hostess lookalike suit and a pair of Pretty Polly tights. "Well Well, my dear young man, you`re here to pick up Declan, the poor unfortunate wretch, he`s just a revolving door in this unscrupulous penal system of ours" ......"Wha!"....."And I suppose you`re from East Wall as well, that god-forsaken wasteland that produces a myriad of fodder for the Irish legal system to embark upon an odyssey of never ending cases of misspent delinquent youth!"....."Wha!"...."Your just a product of the slums of Dublin, whose life is foreshadowed by degradation and despair"...."Wha!"...."A miserable existence, tempered with a hankering for the civilized lifestyle south of the Liffey!"....."Wha!"...."Perchance, doth thou dream of the fairer sex, and would that thou partake in a farcical romp, and hey noddy noddy!"....."For Jaysus sake, will ye speak bleedin` English!"......."Well, you know, I`ve been observing your masculine torso, and...well...a f**k it, I`ve got the bleedin` hots for ye, and I`d love a bleedin` ride off ye!"...."Now yer bleedin` speakin` my language. Here, get that bleedin` Aer Lingus suit off!"....She proceeds to reef me by the hair and pull my head down into the "netherworld..."Jaysus, I luv bleedin` talkin` dirty. Any chance ye can bring me on a date to Noctors pub in Sherrifer some time. I heard theres loads of brazzers there and the crack is ninety?" she says....."Only if ye go easy on me mate Decco."...."Sure I`ve been smugglin` him in twenty Woodbines every week for the last 6 months in exchange for a free ride!"...."Jaysus, Ye must be bleedin` mad for sex if yer ridin` that skinny bollix!"...At last me and Decco walk out the front gates of the `Joy as he`s giving the finger to the screws. As we`re walkin` down by the canal, he sez, "Jaysus, I`m gummin` for a fag!"...."Well don`t look at me. I smoked me last Major on the no 10 bus comin` here. Look on the ground for a butt!"...After findin` a butt on the ground, he goes over to this oulwan readin` the Ireland`s Own....."Any chance of a match?"...."Yeah, your face and my arse!"...As we`re walkin` along the North Circular, Decco is tryin` every car to see if there unlocked. "Jaysus Decco! Yer only after gettin` bleedin` out!"....."I can`t bleedin` help it. I just love bleedin` robbin` stuff!"....

Monday, September 18, 2006

Slums of Dublin...Part14 (Peter Marks.)

..Monday morning, I woke up and me noggin was bleedin` spinnin` from all the shandy I had in Noctor`s Pub in Sherriff street last night celebratin` the Dubs` victory in Croker... Ger even got up on the bar and did another strip, but this time all the blue paint was streamin’ down her body (and matched her mascara.)… "Ma, hey Ma!, where`s me wrangler parallels?"...."Will ye shut bleedin` up, I`m tryin` to listen to Marion Finucane on Morning Ireland!" I head into Moore street and see Phil and Mags beside Big Muriel`s stall..."What are ye sellin` today Phil?"...."Teeshirts, and there goin` like bleedin` hotcakes, Here have a look!"....He holds one up to reveal a pair of diddies painted on navy and the other sky blue, and underneath a caption that read ..."Dublin Brazzer 1... Kerry Nil"....It was then I noticed that all the brazzers were wearing them, including Big Muriel, Cross-eyed Eileen, and Mags, and what’s more, the fashion was not to wear a bra for special effect. I even saw two nuns walkin` down Henry street wearin`the teeshirts. "Jaysus, I wish I could meet that brazzer now, I`m bleedin` in love with her", sez Phil. I was about to tell him it was Ger, when I realized mouth-almighty Mags already knew about Susan and Caroline, and she`d really have one on me if she knew about Ger as well. "Here give us one of yer teeshirts for Caroline, I think she`s extra, extra large. I`m goin` to see her in Peter Marks". So off I headed to Peter Marks in Mary Street where Caroline worked as a hairdresser..."Any chance of a free haircut while I`m here, Caroline, I wouldn’t mind a Bowie style...short on top, long on sides?" ..."Here, put yer head back into the sink there `til I wash yer hair!"....and she proceeds to do what she always does to her customers...plop her diddies into me face while she`s pretendin` to wash me hair... “Have ye got yer deposit for the holliers in Butlins?” sez I…”Yeh, I can’t bleedin’ wait, I’m all excireh!”….Off we head to Liffey Travel in Liffey Street to discover that the Butlins package had been sold out…. “Ah4fukSake” sez I to the girl behind the counter… “I’m very sorry but another flyer came into today about a cheap package in Glendalough…Here, have a gander at this!”…..It read thus: For 50 pound only, all-inclusive package in Glendalough, the garden of Ireland, featuring “Deluxe Accommodation (youth hostel) at Lynham’s Pub and Guesthouse. Fine dining (burger and chips) provided by world renowned chef – John Lynham, who graduated from the Chateau de Stew-ah school of cuisine on Mary’s road, East Wall. Personalized tours of the monastic ruins of Glendalough by local historian and tour-guide Aidan Lynham. Customized pints of Guinness with a shamrock design head provided by resident barmaid Brigid Lynham. Live nightly entertainment, featuring international superstar John Aherne. Deluxe coach service (St. Kevin’s bus) leaving from Stephens Green. A free poh-a-tay at Patsy’s Tea house. A free demonstration of turf-cutting by local farmer Eamon Lynham. … “Jaysus, Caroline, that’s bleedin’ magic. Lets go for it!” …. “Bleedin’ right we are!” and she plops down the fifty quid then and there.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Slums of Dublin...Part13 (Croke Park.)

Sunday morning (the day of the Big Match). "Ma, hey Ma, where`s me blue O`Neills shirt?"..."Will ye shut bleedin` up, I`m tryin` to read Micheline McCormack`s Problem page in the Sunday World!"..."Ah jayz Ma, I need it to support the boys in blue!"...So I head over to Sherrifer and Ger`s flat...I shout in the broken letterbox..."This is the Hill 16 supporters club. We want all culchies out on the double!"...I could see Paulie(Pol) and Penelope in the back room brickin`...Then Ger comes running out with curlers in her hair..."Yer a bleedin spacer!...Don`t be scarin` me cousint!"..."Hey, what the f**k are ye wearin` that green and gold jersey for?"..."Did`nt I bleedin` tell ye, Penelope bought the tickets and we`re in the Hogan Stand!"...It was`nt like my Ger to be a bleedin` turncoat. She gave me the eye as if she had something up her sleeve. There was no way I was going let me mates see me walking up Amiens street with 3 culchies, so I got me blue flag and wrapped it around me head like a bleedin` Arab, and borrowed a pair of corporation glasses off Bridie. All four of us went into Cusacks on the North Strand for a few scoops before the big game. We were gettin into an oul sessiun, when Ger sez, "I`m runnin` out a bleedin` money."..."No bleedin`problem, here gimme that Sunday World!".... So I rolled up the paper, went outside and started directing the traffic into "free" parking spaces at 50pence a pop. Within a half hour I made an extra fiver...As we are walkin` up to Croker , we pass by every bleedin` East Wall gurrier there was, and I`m bleedin` mortified they`ll recognize me through the Arab scarf and corpo glasses hangin` out with culchies...Jaysus I`d never live it down!...We`re in the Hogan Stand, surrounded by a gansy load of bleedin` Kerry culchies and I`m gettin` frustrated...They started singin` Rose of Tralee, and I said to Ger... "Ah4fukSake Ger, we can`t have this!" the two of us started bleedin` roarin`... "Oh the Jacks are back, the Jacks are back, Let the Railway end go blarney, Cause Hill 16 has never seen the likes of Heffos` army"...I swear the lads in Hill 16 heard us cause they joined in... All the culchies around us tried to drown us out by shoutin` the Rose of Tralee louder..."Ah for Jaysus Sake, that’s bleedin` it!" sez Ger, and with that she starts to strip off her green and gold outfit. Then off comes her knickers.(It was then that I knew that Ger`s blonde hair was really a peroxide blonde!). Then off comes the bra, and then I knew what she had up her sleeve all along. She had painted one diddy navy blue and the other one sky blue. She starts to run towards the pitch in her birthday suit, hops over the fence and goes in front of the "royal" box and gives Garett Fitzgerald and all the other dignitaries the V-sign.(Harvey Smith eat yer heart out.) She then streaks across the pitch in the direction of Hill 16. The Bomber Liston tries to give her a rugby tackle but misses. Pat Spillane grabs her, but Brian Mullins gives him a kick in the bollix. By this stage, Hill 16 was in a frenzy and they all started heaving towards the pitch and knocked down the fence. Tony Hanahoe and Jimmy Keaveney carried Ger shoulder high and did a lap around Croker. There were tears streamin` down me face...That was Ger, My Ger....A true Dublin brazzer if there ever was one....

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Slums of Dublin...Part12 (Finglas Village.)

So there I was standin` outside the Carlton cinema all decked out in me Gary Glitter outfit, with a package of Perri crisps in one hand and a Dunnes Stores plastic bag containing 4 teatowels and a bra in the other, waiting on the Cabra bus, when along comes the mad oulwan with the cross..."How`s yer dingdong luv?"..."Ah it`s grand ever since ye gave me that hand massage outside McDowells, the happy ring house"..."I hope yer goin` to mass every Sunday?"… .."Sure I`m just after coming from the Pro-Cathedral, where I lit a candle for the Dubs. for their big match in Croker on Sunday!" ...."Ah fair bleedin` play to ye. I hate those bleedin` Kerry culchies, and is’nt Brian Mullins a bleedin` hunk?"..."The Jacks are back mam, the Jacks are back."...The bus pulls in at Carnlough road about 7pm.This place is like a bleedin` maze, but finally, I find Jarlath road. The place looks like a bleedin` kip. There’s burnt-out cars and trash all over the place. It looks like Finglas-west, except there`s no horses or cream-crackers. Susan`s little brother Anto, is in the front garden throwin rocks at all the cars going by. (He`s at that awkward age where he doesn’t know whether to wear shorts or longers. He sports a hairstyle with a calfs-lick and wears government-issued corporation specs. At times he comes out with some humdingers.) Today he greets me with..."My da sez Durex`s don`t work!"...Susan comes running out the door..."Hooya! Giz a bleedin` goozer for me birthday. What did ye get me?". I produce the tea-towels and the bra, but her oulwan was more delirah than she was. "That`s grand now, I`ll use the tea-towels to wash the babbies, and I`ll borrow the bra for me night out at the bingo tonight!"....."So SuzyQ, where do you want to go for your birthday?"...."I want to do something mad. How about we go down to the Village and slag some of them Finglas brazzers!"...."Ah4fuksake Suzy, are ye lookin` for a deathwish?"...But it was her birthday, so off we went to the Drake Inn in Finglas Village...Just our luck, Sonny Knowles (The window cleaner) was playing, so every bleedin` brazzer from the west was there, shoutin` up at the stage..."Sonny, Give us a wave!". The night was goin` great until Sonny said "Is there anybody out there celebratin` their birthday tonight?" Before I could stop her, Susan was up on the table wavin` madly at Sonny. He coaxes her up onto the stage and said to her, "Where are ye from?"...."Cabra!"...and before Sonny could reply a barage of vodka glasses came hurling through the air. One particular brazzer called Gina stood up....,She had teeth like traffic -lights down the country(few and far between). She wore a skimpy haltertop that precariously held two giant melons which poured out over the top, and the cleavage sported a tatoo on each diddy of M.U.F.C. on the left and I luv Georgie Best on the right. She wore a pair of hotpants two sizes to tight so that they revealed the wrinkles on her buttocks. But the 3 inch heels on her platforms gave an eloquent balance to her rotund figure..."Heeeyawww, ye bleedin` Cabra wagon, what are ye doing trespassin` into our village"?...."Ah shur`up ye fat cow, yer oulwan sells bangers in Moore street!"...."I`m goin` to sit on yer face ye cabra brazzer!"...With that she hurtles towards the stage, but trips over her 3inch platforms and falls square on poor Sonny. I lay low through all this commotion.(I was a great man for lying down under punches.) Susan poured her harp shandy all over Gina and then made a runner out the door with half of Finglas in pursuit. There were tears of pride streaming down my face....That was my Susan!...A true Dublin Brazzer if there ever was one....

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Slums of Dublin...Part11 (Confession Box.)

.."Ma, Hey Ma, where`s me silver Gary Glitter outfit and me gold platform shoes?"..."Will ye shut bleedin` up, I`m tryin` to watch QuickSilver with Bunny Carr!". "Ah Jayz ma, I have to meet me mot at 8!"..."If I ever see that brazzer from Cabra `round here, I`ll bleedin` reef her “. I hop on the 53 bus and go upstairs to have a sweet Afton (makin` sure on the way not to crease me Gary Glitter outfit). All the oulwans were upstairs on their way to the Macushla Ballroom for the bingo...They all started slaggin` me..."Hey Gary, D`ye wanna be in our gang!". So I stood up at the top of the bus and gave them an impromptu session... "Come on Come on, Come on Come on". That made their bleedin` night for them. On me way up Marlborough street to catch the Cabra bus, I decided to stop into the Pro-cathedral to say a prayer that the Dubs` would beat that shower a` culchies, Kerry in Croker on Sunday. I passed a creamcracker (knacker) on the steps..."Air a penny for the babbie!"..."Jayz, I`m bleedin` skint meself!"...I walk in and notice the confession box light on , so I decided to take the plunge..."Bless me Father for I have sinned. It`s three months since me last confession"...."Come on, out with it boy!"..."Well ye see father, I have these three mots". ..."Jaysus Christ ye lucky bastard, How`d ye manage that?"..."I just give them the eye Father, and there all bleedin` over me. One of me mots` Caroline, ye should see `er Father. She`s bleedin` gorgeous. She has diddies on her that.." (Sudden interruption)... "Sufferin` Jaysus, its gettin` very bleedin` hot in here!"..."I know what ye mean Father, I`m gettin` the excitement (Angela`s Ashes) just bleedin` thinkin` about her!"..."Where can I meet some of these brazzers?"..."Any of the discos` around town Father...Bubbles is a good place on Sunday at 3pm. The place is bleedin` hoppin` with them". "That’s bleedin sound as a bell. I finish the last mass at 1pm, then it`s off with the collar, up to Briodys for a few scoops, and then Brazzers! Here I come!...So what have ye to confess anyway?". "Well ye see Father, I have to bring the three of them on holliers and I haven’t a pot to piss in, so I robbed the lead of Clery`s roof"...."OKay! if you can fix me up with a brazzer at Bubbles, I`ll let ye off easy...Just say one Our Father, two Hail Mary’s` and one Glory be to the Father"....On me way out, I go over to light a candle for "Heffo`s Army", and I notice that the lock is off the money box. In goes the oul "lamh" and out comes a fistful of twopences. I do a runner out the door, on the way I throw one at the creamcracker. "Don`t spend it all in one go!"...I figure that good deed should be good enough for a goal from Tony Hanohoe on Sunday, or maybe for the "Bomber" Liston to break his leg...

Friday, August 25, 2006

Slums of Dublin...Part10 (Big Muriel's Stall.)

Its Tuesday morning and I`m coming back from the Smithfield markets with the fruit and veg for Big Muriel`s stall when I stopped at the Pound shop in Mary Street to buy a present for Susan`s birthday and bought her 4 tea-towels on sale for a pound . So off I went down to Moore Street. Phil was standin` beside Big Muriels` stall with a bag full of kitkat bars that he was selling at five for a pound. "Here look what I got Sue for her birthday...What a bargain!" sez I..."Jayz yer a bleedin`cheapskate...go across there to Dunnes Stores and buy her somethin` else or she`ll bleedin` give ye an earful!". We were standin` there with our backs against Buckleys butchers havin` a good chinwag, when we noticed Cross-eyed Eileen at the stall next to Big Muriel`s bending down to check some fruit under her stall. "Are yis gettin a good bleedin` gander lads" she said as she seemed to be looking in another direction. So we just leaned back against the window to enjoy the view and played "Pocket Billiards". Then Big Muriel came from behind and grabbed the two of us by the crotch, (she had arms like tree trunks and fists like shovels and a vice grip stronger than a pit bull)..."Now lads! Get yis-is-er minds out of yis-is-er jocks!" she said as she kept on squeezing. I looked down and through the pain all I could see was "I luv Wacker" and all Phil could see was "I luv Micka", and she kept her grip until Phil yelped in a high-pitched contralto voice "Jayzus Muriel, yer chokin` me charlie!"...With all the oulwans in Moore St. fallin about the place laughin`, I skidaddled over to Dunnes stores to buy another present for Suzy. "How much are yer bras?" I sez to snobby lookin` wan at the cash register. "What size do ye want, A B, C, or D cup?" ...."Hmmm how about a B and C"..."Its got to be one or the other" she sez.... "Well Jayzus, all I know is one diddy is bigger than the other!". So after buying a cross-your- heart Playtex bra, I went home to get spruced up to go meet Suzy.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Slums of Dublin...Part9 (National Ballroom.)

.After the meal, I decided to go home and change, and meet everybody in the Abbey Mooney pub at 9pm....So I head out of the flats and over Johnny Cullen`s hill to East Wall....."Ma, Hey Ma!..Where`s me white ShowaddyWaddy suit and black bumper sneakers?"..."Will ye shut bleedin` up, I`m tryin` to watch Coronation Street...Hilda(Ogden) is makin` a chip buttie for Eddie(Yates)."..."Ah Jayz ma, I have to meet me mot at 9pm."..."I hope yer not still seein` that brazzer from Cabra...Go and get yerself a nice country girl, those brazzers will never cook for ye or wash yer jocks!" So I arrive in the Abbey Mooney to see the three of them already on their third pint. "I see I have a bit of catchin` up to do with yiz!"...As soon as we got inside the door of the National, Ger (as usual) sez to Penelope,.."Do ye want to go to the toilet?"..."Nows our chance to get a bit of smooch from some of the other cuclhie colleens" I said to Paulie. The first one I asked, "Are ye gettin up?"..."No way, who do ye think ye are in that suit ..Shakin` Stevens!"..."Did ye bring yer bleedin` knitting with ye!"...The next one I asked said yes, and even though the song was fast- "Blanket on the ground" by BillieJoe Spears, I wrapped me arms around her to slowdance and did the Russian hands and Roman fingers routine. "You`re to fasht for me." she says, and before I could smooth-talk her, Ger gives me a clatter ..."I`ll bleedin` reef ye" she sez...Well we were boppin to the sounds of Philomena Begley,D.J.Curtin, and Big Tom and the Mainliners, when before ye know it the night was over..."I`m bleedin` starvin" sez Ger, "I`d love a bleedin spiceburger!" We soon discovered we spent all our money in the Abbey Mooney. "No bleedin problem." sez I, "Follow me"... and we went across the street from the National and hopped over the railings into the Garden of Remembrance, and then proceeded to rob all the coins out of the fountain...I figured I had done me bit for the 1916 Rising, what with having suffered a dropkick from Sue across from the GPO, when that mad oulwan with the cross revived me..... Eileen! Just dropping in to say thanks for the wonderful night in your flat in Gardiner St. (Although I was a bit embarrassed with the Pope and John F starin` down at us.) Did ye hear that brazzer from Cabra called you a scrubber. If I was you, I`d bleedin` reef `er.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Slums of Dublin...Part8(Culchie Eileen.)

SuzyQ, I`m bleedin` devastated! Your me bleedin`favourite. Is it all off? Jaysus, I want ye back. I promise I`ll buy ye a big bleedin` sparkler from Hector Greys. What about our bleedin` holliers that I`ve been savin` up for. I`ll have ye know I spent all day yesterday trying to rob the lead off the roof of Clery`s for to get spending money for our holliers. The reason I stood ye up last night was… on me way to meet you under Clery`s clock, I saw this poor little culchie girl who seemed in distress. "Are ye alright there mam!" sez I. ... "I`m on me way home to Tipperary, and I`m trying to find where Busarus is...Me bus leaves at 830pm"...."No problem love, I`ll escort ye there...Here give me those Quinnsworth plastic bags and I`ll carry them for ye!"...."You`re such a gentleman, and... a fine-lookin chap too, I might add!"...So there I was, a true christian soul, escorting a poor culchie girl all alone in the big smoke, carry two plastic Quinnsworth bags stuffed to the gills with knickers and bras...When we got to Busarus, we found the bus was going to be an hour late, so I offered to keep her company for an hour and suggested we go across the street to Barneys (The Liffey Bar) on Eden Quay...Well ye know how one pint ends up being four, and when I looked at me watch, it was already too late for her to catch the Tipperary special. So I offered to escort her back to her flat in Gardiner Street. The poor girl had just one room with no heat. The decor was understated, with bare walls save for a picture of the Pope and John F. Kennedy, and an old Macra Na Feirme poster of a ballroom dance in Cloheen..."Would ye like a "poh-a-tay" and some biscuits!" she said. "All I have is Marietta."..."That`s grand luv"....Well one thing led to another, and being the good christian that I am, I felt sorry for her being all alone in this cold, dank, flat....So I offered to stay the night and keep her "warm." So Sue, as you can see, I was just fulfilling my good Christian duty helping poor culchie damselsin distress. I`ll meet ye tomorrow outside Uncle Georges Petshop so we can go buy some bikinis at Dunnes Stores....Luv....Tony.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Slums of Dublin...Part7(Ger's Gaffe.)

"But I thought the Grand National was a horse race?" sez Paulie.(He`s a culchie, need I explain!)...anyway Ger is a fine filly...and well-bred...look at Bridie! Well the smell of the coddle wafted out from the kitchen...I was lickin` me eyebrows in anticipation. Then Ger nodded over to me to go in the back room for a "quickie"...(Every time I go to her gaffe, we go in the back for a quickie to get away from Bridie`s prying eyes.)...It was in the back room that she gave me the "bad" news. "Paulie and Penelope have four tickets in the Hogan stand for the big match in Croker on Sunday between Dublin and Kerry, and they want us to go with them." ..."4FuxSake!...Ye know I always have me spot picked out with the lads on Hill 16!"..."If ye go with them, I`ll give ye yer "special!"...I could never refuse one of Ger`s specials, so I reluctantly agreed to go with the culchies....Bridie arrives at the dinner table with a huge pot full of sausages, rashers, carrots, potatoes, etc..."Begob, that’s a grand lookin` "male" there Mrs. O`Kelly" sez Paulie. "Sure yer a fine cook Auntie Bridie, although I can`t say the same for Ger" sez Penelope...Then Bridie roars out "Jacintha! (Ger`s little sister who was in the front room watchin` telly), Come in for yah dinaw."..."Ah ma, I`m watchin` Wanderly Wagon."..."Wandery f**kin` Wagon!, the shite chisselers watch today, in my day they had Daithi Lacha and School around the corner, with Paddy Crosby!...If I ever see that bleedin` FortyCoats in town, I`ll give him such a kick in the b*LL*x...Will ye get bleedin` in her right now!"..."HowYe Jacintha! Do ye have a boyfriend yet?" sez I. "Will ye shut bleedin` up, yer makin` me scarlet!"..

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Slums of Dublin...Part6 (Sheriff St.)

As I walked into the flats, I got that nervous feeling again. A voice wafted across from the 3rd floor of Laurence’s Mansions...."Pierre, Concepta, yer dinner’s poured...Come in for yizzer souuup". (Isn’t it funny how working-class Dublin mothers give their children "posh" names.) I get to Ger`s door and shout in the broken letterbox "Come out with yer bleedin` hands up, this is the Store Street gardai!"...Ger came out in her "Penney’s" bathrobe with a towel around her head. "Hooya, come in, me "cousind" Penelope (Irishh) and her boyfriend Paulie(Pol1) are here from the country." I knew I could smell "slurry" the minute I walked in the door. I went into the parlor and introduced meself. They sure looked like bleedin` culchies alright. Paulie was wearin` a pair of wranglers way too tight for him. The crack of his arse was showin` and a big bleedin` culchie beerbelly hung over the front of his jeans. There was the obligatory wad of keys hangin` out of his belt. I had a quick look at the back of his neck to see was it really red and jaysus ye could fry and egg on it, if ye had and egg. (Sally O`Brien, where are ye when we need ye!"). Penelope was a big strapping country girl with clothes straight out of Guineys. (Does anybody remember getting the confirmation outfit in Guineys...The salesman tells you what to wear rather than the other way round.)..."I told Paulie and Penelope that we would show them the nightlife scene in Dublin" sez Ger. "And we don`t want none of them "dishcos" or other quare places." sez Paulie. "Oh F***"I thought to meself, that means were left with The Ierne, The National, or the Garda Boat Club... The smell of manure will be ripe tonight...."Well how about the National, thats where me and Ger met!" sez I...."As a matter of fact, Bridie always jokes with me",..."Where did ye meet yer mot"...."At the National"..."What!...Ye mean the Grand National" Ger always goes bleedin` scarlet when I tell people what her oulwan sez...

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Slums of Dublin...Part5 (Moore St.)

I was already a half hour late as l lashed up Henry street and Mary street all the way to Smithfield market to get me pram full of fruit and veg. I had to get it to "Big Muriel (she had a stall in Moore St.), and I knew she was goin` to bleedin` let into me cause l was late. Now Big Muriel was a horse of a woman with a tatoo on each shoulder...I luv Wacker... and...I luv Micka. Strangely though, her husband’s name is Cyril. (BTW, she is based on a real character called Big Mary who once had an American tourist come up to her and buy a dozen apples. As he was walking away, he noticed only 10 apples in his bag and went back to inquire..."Ah Jayz luv, two of the apples were rotten, so I trun them out".)..."Where the f*** were you! I had to sell me customers’ last week’s fruit?"..."Ah jayz sorry Muriel" sez I as I proceeded to check the tomatoes to find a nice fresh one to lorry into. "Jaysus, just cause I know ye, doesn’t mean ye can squeeze me fruit?". Then I went into Buckleys the butchers to get a pound of Donnelly’s sausages to bring with me to Ger`s Gaffe in Sherrifer, cause Bridie was goin to make us a coddle for dinner....So I walked back down Henry St, Talbot St. and Amiens St. and around the corner to Sheriffer...

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Slums of Dublin...Part4 (Flowing Tide)

Flashback Part 5: Monday morning 7:15am...I’m laying in bed dreamin` about Caroline when me oulwan shouts up the stairs..."Will ye get bleedin` up, yer late for the dole office...That’s what ye get for galavantin` with wans from jayzus knows where, `til all hours. "...I grab a rasher sambo and rush out the door...only 30mins to get to the Gardiner street exchange. I jump on the 53 bus and go upstairs to smoke a major... Me nerves were bleedin` shattered cause it’s already July 1st and I had three different "mots" wantin` to go on three different holliers....Caroline wanted to go to Butlins Mosney, Ger wanted to go to BlackPool, and Susan wanted to go to Benalmadena. Now how the f*** am I goin` to afford all that with just me dole money and workin` on the sly, doin` nixers for the fruit and vegsellers in Moore Street? I’m in the exchange in Gardiner Street collectin` me 25 quid dole when I bump into Phil. As always, he asks me to go for a pint in the Flowing Tide. "Jayz Phil, every week you go in for one and you end up gettin` bleedin` scuttered."....So around the corner we head to Middle Abbey Street...We’re sitting at the bar, when a bird in a miniskirt walks by on her way to the jax. "Jayz, I wouldn’t mind givin` her a lash" sez Phil..."But did ye get a gander at her mush, she has a bleedin` mustache" sez I...."A for f*** sake, ye don’t look at the mantlepiece when yer pokin` the fire, do ye?". After the third pint I had to drag meself away from Phil. "Jayz Phil, I have to go and do a nixer in Moore street" ....

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Slums of Dublin...Part3 (Apartment Disco)

Around the corner we went, onto Fleet lane and into the Apartment Disco. We just got in the door when who did I spot only Phil and Mags..."Holy St. Hanna" I said to meself, I hope Mags doesn’t open her gob about last night. If Caroline finds out about Sue, I’m a gonner... I gave Phil a nudge and he copped on straight away, but Mags was dying to open her gob(the nosey bitch). "Hey Caroline, this is me mate Phil and his mot Mags"..."Hoooya!"...."Hey Caroline, do ye want te go to the toilet?" sez Mags..and off the two of them go...(Now there are two things in life that have always baffled me... one was where the bleedin` ducks went in the winter (Catcher in the Rye) and the other was why do women always go to the jax in pairs...Do they need to hold each others hands?). So we were rockin away to the disco sounds of "Rock the Boat" by Hues Corporation, and Rock me Gently" by Andy Kim, and "Rock your Baby" by George McCrae, when Noel the deejay puts on "Satisfaction" by the Stones. In a flash a circle forms and I barrel in to do "Jagger". Then Mags jumps into the circle after me kickin` her legs so high, that her Dunne’s Stores (St. Bernard brand) knickers were showin. Then Phil and Caroline join in and we are all sweatin like bleedin` pigs. Then Noel the Deejay sez "We’re going to slow it down now nice in slow with "Honey" by Bobby Goldsboro"...Before I could say no, Mags grabs me and sez "Are ye gettin up!". So we were smoochin` away when I noticed her Magie Noir perfume smelled very very familiar..."Jayz Mags, ye smell like a whore`s handbag"..."Well ye bleedin` loved it last night didn’t ye" she said. "Mother of Divine" I thought to meself, now I remember... and she’s still wearin the same bleedin knickers...."If you say anything to Caroline about Sue, I’ll bleedin` string ye up."...Then Noelput on "Midnight Train to Georgia" by Gladys Knight and the Pips, and I started to smooch with Caroline. Well between dancing real close and all the sweat from doing Jagger, I got the "excitement" (Angela’s Ashes)..."Hey Caroline, do ye want to go outside for a quickie."...She looked up at me with those doting blue eyes and nodded approval...So went outside around the corner onto Fleet Street..."Just think Caroline, in another two years when we’re 18, we’ll be able to go there to Sloopys Nightclub (Does anybody remember the ad at the pictures where a cool guy comes out of Sloopys and jumps into a convertible?)...We headed across Westmoreland street to the little archway underneath the "Zhivago`s Nightclub" sign (where love stories begin!). Caroline stood with her back up against the wall. In this light she looked like Maxie, Dick, and Twink all rolled into one...simply adorable. I gently pushed back her soft curls and nibbled on her ear. Then I threw my head back to get a look at cherub cheeks. I could see my saliva glint in the moonlight on her earlobe. She looked at me with loving anticipation. Our lips were about to meet when suddenly, this beautiful tender moment was... a raspy voice that wafted from across WestMoreland Street. "Did ye get yer ware" shouted Mags (I could’ve killed her, the bleedin` wagon. Ye just know there’s going to be a big bleedin` catfight between Susan, Caroline, and Ger when they find out about each other,(and I can’t trust "mouth almighty" Mags to keep her trap shut, and I don’t want this to happen cause I bleedin love yis all. I was walkin` down by College Green and bump into those guys in the suits from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and they convert me to the Mormon religion. Then I can have a bigamous relationship with all three of you,(although I can’t see Sue and Caroline living under the same roof). Or 2. I could forget about the bleedin` lot of youse and just elope with Mrs. O`Kelly (Gok`s Ma). I know she has the "hots" for me `cause once when I was in the flat in Sheriffer, Ger was in the jax gettin` dolled up when I noticed the bedroom door ajar. I sneaked a peek at Mrs. O`K undressing and she turned around and flashed her diddies at me...I was bleedin` scarlet....

Monday, June 19, 2006

Slums of Dublin...Part2(O'Connell St)

With no money on me, all I could depend on for a night on the town was me other mot, Caroline from O`Devaney Gardens. I asked an oulwan for a shillin to make a phone call and called me mot. She said she’d meet me at the number 10 bus stop in O’Connell Street, in front of the Savoy Picture house.
I was waitin and waitin at the 10 bus stop with not a penny to me name staring at the queue for the Savoy Picture house, when I noticed all the tightwads going into to sweet shop next door gettin supplies for the pictures. I was waitin on me mot Caroline, (speaking of which, she was a bit of a bleedin cheapskate herself, (she’d peel an orange in her pocket)). It was already 6pm and I was bleedin starvin, when finally the number l0 pulls in. Caroline ascends from the bus looking like the Queen of Sheba. (Now I have to tell yis a bit about Caroline...she was bleedin gorgeous...All she needed to do was flash her thrupennybits and she’d have every fella near her eating chips out of her knickers...She could walk into any pub in Manor street, and in a flash, all the patrons would freeze, with jaws dropped and mouths wide open, sporting frothy white Arthur Guinness moustaches...and as her svelte figure glided across the floor you’d hear comments like "Sufferin` Jaysus! would ye look at the gazongas on that one." ..."Jayz Caroline, Yer lookin` smashin` in yer polyester shirt and bellbottoms...How much money have ye?"..."A Fiver! Jayz that’s not goin to get us much"...."I told ye before I’m savin` for me hollyers in Butlins Mosney"...So over O’Connell bridge we strolled and stopped at the Kylemore Bakery in WestMoreland Street where Caroline bought the special...four cream buns for a pound and stuffed them into her handbag. Then we went next door to Bewleys Cafe and bought two coffees at 50p each, and sneaked into the corner where I lorried into the cream buns. "Have ye got yer membership card for the Apartment? ...I hope that mad bouncer Wacker Malone is not on the door again" sez I..."He threw me out last week cause I head butted a skinhead from Cabra when he started throwin` shapes on the dance floor"... to be continued.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Slums of Dublin Part 1 (NorthWall)

The following is excerpted from IrishAbroad circa 2000:
Flashback .Sunday morning 11am...Woke up to the sound of me oulwan bawlin up the stairs..."Will ye get bleedin up, and go and get me the News of the World outside the church for jaysus sake, out til all hours last night"....Me head was bleedin spinning...I could never handle those rock shandys. I was rackin me brains tryin to remember what happened with Suzie, Phil, and Mags, and for the life of me I couldn’t remember...The waft of Kearns` sausage’s wrapped in batch loaf smothered in lashings of grease was what greeted me at breakfast (I luv me mammies cooookin)..."What were you doin with that brazzer Susan from Cabra `til 4 o’clock this mornin"..."Ah jayz ma, don’t get me started". At 12 o’clock I headed over Johnny Cullen`s hill and into "Sherriffer". (I was on me way to see me second mot, Ger). Now Sherriff Street in the Seventies was not a place for the weak of heart (They eat their young).I passed by a few burned out BMW`s (remnants of the "nascar rally" from the night before. This was a regular occurrence every Saturday night when all the kids come out for the joyriding spectacle. There were many a "Starsky and Hutch", or "Dukes of Hazzard" wannabees. As I turned into the flats I got butterflies in me stomach (I always get a little nervous here). Ger lived on the third floor of St. Laurence’s Mansions (Why do they always call them after saints). I was gettin nosy stares from two oulwans on the second floor as I approached the stairs. "Have I got ten bleedin heads or somethin?" Next a gollier landed just inches from me feet. (ye don’t mess with these "ladies"). There was no knocker on Ger`s door, so I shouted through the broken letterbox, "This is the gardai, come out with yer hands up!". Out comes Ger`s oulwan with her hair in curlers and no false teeth in. "A jayz Mrs. O`Kelly, is Ger in?"..."She’s in the bleedin jax tartin herself up."...Then out comes Ger dressed in her Sunday best...a pair of black leather loafers, "BayCityRoller" parallel jeans with a tartan stripe, a haltertop showing her bellybutton, a "Gilbert O Sullivan" sweater, and a tartan scarf wrapped around her right wrist...As you can tell, she was mad into the Bay City Rollers. (Her main claim to fame was that Woody spit on her at a concert in the National Stadium, (although Eric was her favorite)). "Hoooya" siz I..."Its me ma`s birthday next week, giv`er a goozer!" sez Ger, (Did you ever kiss a woman in curlers with no teeth?)..."She’s goin to see Tom Jones at the Carleton next week for her birthday. Yesterday she bought 6 pairs of knickers in Dunne’s stores, so that she could throw them up on stage." ..."Jayz, have ye nuttin` better te do Mrs. O`Kelly?"...So off we went down the docks for a quick smooch. We bumped into Ger`s mate Liz outside the Liverpool Bar...She was holdin up the wall, with a fag hangin from the side of her mouth. "Hoooya Liz" sez Ger..."What are ye all bleedin dolled up for?" (She was plastered with bright red lipstick, and wore hot pants that barely covered her arse)..."Mind yer nose, I’m bleedin busy right now!"...So off we went...It was only then I realized the S.V. Hamburg was docked in the harbor that weekend Then we bumped into a gang of chisellers from the flats..."Younfle...Giz yer odds" they said..."I will in me arse" sez I...Then the little bollixs` jumped me and Ger did a runner back to the flats. By the time I got up, they had scarpered off with me fiver (all I had in me pocket). "Yez scumbags, Wait til I bleedin get yez", and I chased them `til I was knackered out. ……to be continued.