Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Slums of Dublin...Part20 (The Flea Degrees.)

The two brazzers Mags and Caroline talked Sally into joining their new all-girl band The Flea Degrees……
Meself and Deco have been workin’ our bollixes off all last night puttin’ up the posters of The Flea Degrees for yizzer mega-gig on next Tuesday. I hope yiz are goin’ to throw a few bob our way. At the very least, yiz better buy us a pint in Briody’s pub, and give us a free ride off each of yis. We went all over bleedin’ Dublin, includin’ : the 15th floor of Liberty Hall, over Clery’s Clock, the top floor of St. Laurences Mansions in Sheriff St., over the stalls in the Ivy Markets, and on top of the Zhivago, (Where Love Stories Begin) sign in Westmoreland Street. Deco sez his Ma is bringin’ a big contingent of oulwans from the Legion of Mary. I hope the practice sessions in Lloyds bar in Amiens street are goin’ o.k. …. Ah Jaysus! The oul nerves are gettin to the girls. I can feel it in me water. Mags and Caroline were in a big bleedin` cat fight over who gets to be in the middle on stage, when Mags pulled off Carolines wig and threw it in the Tolka river. I had to go home to me ma and beg her for a loan of the mop so we could use the handle for to hold the mike and the top of the mop for Caroline`s new wig. It was bleedin` manky dirty all ready, but I lashed on the boot polish all the same just to give it that shiny look. Caroline looks like Whitney Heuston on a bad hair day with the wig (mop) on. P. S. Will someone please give me all the beef about what happened at the party in Deco`s house, where he was friskin` all the brazzers at the door. I told yis I was bleedin` palatic, and can`t remember. The only thing was I woke up in Fairview park the next morning with a pair of knickers in me pocket. I`d love to know which brazzer it was I was ridin`. The knickers were size 38 and the elastic was nearly gone in them. If the owner doesn’t claim them by tomorrow, I`m goin` to give them to me ma for her birthday.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Slums of Dublin...Part19 (Deco! Dunne's Stores Detective.)

"Ma!, hey ma!, where`s me Top-of-the-Pops LP?"..."Will ye shut bleedin` up, I`m reading True Detective!"..."Ah jaysus Ma! I need it for a party in Deco`s house tonight."..."Wha! that snobby bitch of an oulwan of his wouldn’t let anyone inside her door!"...."Deco`s ma is going on a retreat to Lough Derg with the Legion of Mary, and he has an empty house!"...."Lough-bleedin`-Derg! She should be locked bleedin` up , scallywaggin` all over O`Connell street, with her cross and rosary beads, annoyin` us poor bleedin` brazzers with her God-fearin` ways!"...I arrive in Moore Street with the pram full of fruit and veg from the Smithfield markets to find Deco, Monica, Phil, and Mags hangin` out by Big Muriel and Cross-eyed-Eileen`s stalls....They were all celebrating Deco`s new Store Detective job at Dunnes Stores, when Monica suggests to all the other brazzers, "Any chance yis`ll let Deco practice on yis for his new job?" So Deco lines all the brazzers up against F.X. Buckleys Butchers and sez, "Put yisser hands against the wall and spread yisser legs girls, someone has rifled the hosiery department of ten playtex bras and walked out without paying!"...Deco starts with Big Muriel and works his way down the line through Cross-Eyed-Eileen, Mags, and Monica, makin` sure to take his time friskin` all the girls. As he is rummaging through Mag`s blouse, he notices she`s not wearing a bra, and spends extra time frisking her.(And she`s lovin` every bleedin` minute of it!). He found a bag full of jewellery with the tags still on them saying Lawrence`s Jewellers. ..."Jaysus! Talk about being over-enthusiastic about the job, he`ll make a great bleedin` security guard, That’s my Deco!!" sez Monica..."Listen girls, yis are all invited back to me gaff for a jam-tarty tonight, but make sure yis are wearin` yer knickers, cause I`m on the door, and I`ll be friskin` all the brazzers!" sez Deco...."Hey Deco!, Here`s the LP you were asking me for. It`s bleedin` magic. It`s got Slade, Suzy Quattro, David Essex, and Mud(Tiger Feet). We`ll be boppin` the night away!". sez I..... Then I head down Henry Street to Peter Marks Hairdressers, to meet Caroline for lunch...As I`m waitin` for Caroline, she`s puttin` curlers in some oulwan`s hair, and showin` a new trainee hairdresser the ropes.... "Jaysus! What’s yer wan`s name, she`s a bit of bleedin` alright?" sez I(as I notice the new mot givin` me the eye!)... "Her name is Sally, and I`m her new boss, she does whatever I bleedin` tell her!...Heeyah Sally, there`s a bleedin` brush. Sweep up all the hair on the ground!"..."I luv bleedin` bossin` her around!" whispers Caroline....

Monday, October 16, 2006

Slums of Dublin...Part18 (South of the Liffey.)

"Ma, Hey Ma! where`s me O`Connell`s school cap? Its bleedin` lashin` outside."..."Will ye shut bleedin` up, I`m tryin` to pluck me eyebrows and do meself up for Sil Fox at the Old Sheiling tonight!"...I`m walkin` up Talbot street, when I bump into Monica all dickied-out in a tin-of-fruit that was ruffled in the front...."Howyeh Mon! What happened yeh, Yer suit is all ruffled at the front and yer shirt is undone?"..."Aw! I`m after been to me interview for the cashier job in Dunnes Stores, and that bleedin` Wacker fella was feelin` me up. He said it was part of the interview process. He even had Ben Dunne, the chief executive there as well and he gave me diddies a good rub down. He said it was part and parcel of being a Dunnes Stores cashier. The good news is I got the job, and even better news, I got Deco a job as a store detective. But when they found out that he just got out of the `Joy, they were a little reluctant, until I offered to give them both a ride!"..."Well Jaysus! we`ll have to celebrate! Why don`t you and Deco come with me and Ger on our holliers to Blackpool. Yis can bunk into our B&B?"..."That’s bleedin` deadly, and you`se are invited out tonight with me and Deco. It`s me last chance to go over the southside before I become a brazzer!"....So that night, me and Ger met Deco and Monica outside the Banba store in Tara street..."Ok lads! First stop is Mulligans pub in Poolbeg street, around the corner"... Me, Deco and Ger were a bit nervous with all the bleedin` snobs, but Monica was in her element...Ger looked out of place with her 6inch platforms, miniskirt and strapless boobtube top. Everybody in the pub seemed a little uneasy when they saw me and Deco in wrangler parallels and Docmartin boots. Of course, Ger had to start off her Gloria Gaynor impression..."At first I was afraid I was petrified....."...That gave the barman an excuse to get rid of us, but with Deco gettin hotheaded about being asked to leave, he decided not to charge us for the drinks. ...Next stop was Baggot street where we stopped into Doheny and Nesbitts. Mary Black was sittin` at the bar wearin` the face off Declan Synott...Monica went up to her to get her autograph..."Any chance Mary!"..."Can`t ye see I`m suckin` face! Here give me that beermat"...In the corner, Charlie Haughey had his arm around yer wan from RTE news. Next stop was Toners pub, but we kept losin` each other cause we couldn’t see through all the hair. Deco was goin` round saying "Peace man" to all the dudes...The smell of grease permeated the air and all the hippies kept admiring Ger`s strapless bube tube. One of the greasers offered Ger a weed, but she declined and said "I only smoke Major!”. Then we went to a gig in the Baggot Inn. The Lookalikes were playing and as soon as they came on stage, Monica and Ger were up in a flash, hangin` out of Paul O`Conner, and shouting into the mike..."Baby don`t leave `til I wake up...Baby don`t leave `til I wake up in the morning!"...I think Paul was embarrassed by them....After the gig, we stopped at the kebab stand outside the Baggot Inn and Deco`s face was covered in sauce after lashin` into a kebab...Then we hit Leeson street, but at every night club we were stopped by bouncers at the door...This made Deco mad, so he hijacked a taxi to bring us back over to the northside..."That’s the last bleedin` time we`re goin` south of the Liffey...bleedin` snobs!" he sez ,as he hands a match to Monica to set fire to the taxi...She did it without hesitation...That was my Harmonica...A true Dublin brazzer if there ever was one.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Slums of Dublin...Part17 (St.Teresa's Gardens.)

Ma, hey ma! Where’s me Man. United tracksuit, I need it for Nocter’s pub. Will ye shut bleedin’ up! I’m trying to rob some shillin’s out of the gas meter. Ah Jaysus ma, I have to meet Deco and his new mot Monica, and bring them to meet me mot Ger in Sherrifer. “That’s not that brazzer wan who was going round without a screed a clothes on in Croker was it?”… I meet Deco and the posh mot outside Nocters and bring them into the flats to meet Ger. Monica nearly wets herself with fear as we manouver through the burnt-out cars. A raspy voice calls out from the 2nd floor balcony of St. Theresa’s Gardens, “Douglas!, Portia!, Come in for yissaw bread and oxuuuuuu!” We arrive at Ger’s flat and I shout in the open letterbox, “Bridie! Get yer knickers on, I have company” …Ger arrives at the door bleedin’ scarleh. “This is me mate Deco and his mot Monica, Ye better get Bridie to put back in her false teeth and get out her best china cause Monica is as bleedin’ posh as they come”…Just then, Bridie arrives from the bedroom wearing a “Dublin 1 Kerry Nil” teeshirt (with no bra underneath)… “Jaysus Bridie! It fits ye like a bleedin’ glove!”… “Ma! Will ye get the china out of the cabinet for Monica!” sez Ger… “Wha! That stuck-up bitch can use a mug like the rest of us !”… “Ah jaysus! There’s no need for that now Mrs O’Kelly!” sez Deco. Out comes the Lyon’s tea and Marietta biscuits as we all try, (except Bridie) to make Monica feel more at ease… “Monica! I heard ye have a big bleedin’ job in the ‘Joy” sez Ger… “Well yes, but frankly, I’ve become disenchanted of late what with all the excess demands made of me from prisoners and screws alike. What I’d really like is a change of environment. I’m looking for a new challenge, a more rewarding career, something stimulating.” …. “Jaysus! I have just the job yer lookin’ for!” sez Ger. “Ye can work alongside me on the cash register at Penneys in Mary Street. It’s bleedin’ great and ye meet loads of other brazzers!” … “Yeah! And ye can rob a gansy load of socks for me so’s I can sell them in Moore street!” sez Deco… “Well, I’ll have to revamp my resume, and buy a new suit for the interview”, sez Monica… “Wha!, Interview!, Resume!, Are ye bleedin’ mad? Just flash yer diddies at Wacker the manager, and the jobs yours.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Slums of Dublin...Part16 (Glendalough.)

"Ma, Hey Ma! Do ye have a Roches stores plastic bag. I need it for to carry me gear for me holliers in Glendalough?"...."Will ye shut bleedin` up! I`m tryin` to watch Tolka Row on the telly!"..."Ah Jayz ma, I have to get all me gear ready for the mornin`. I`m meetin` Caroline at the St. Kevins` bus stop on Stephen`s Green!"..."That brazzer from O`Devaney Gardens! Jaysus, would ye not get yerself a nice posh mot from Clontarf or somewhere?"....Next Morning I head down to the Green, and there’s Caroline with a big bleedin suitcase at the busstop..."Jaysus, were only goin` for the weekend!"...."Well I`m not like you, wearin the same jocks for a week!"..."Hey! Since we`re beside the Dandelion market, Do ye want to go in and get some frenchies, and you ask for them cause I’d be too bleedin` embarrassed!"... Caroline goes up to this stall and asks a hippie mot for the frenchies, while I pretend to be rummagin` through lp`s in the next stall...."I have Durex and Trojan, but I make my boyfriend use Durex cause it feels much better!" We arrive at the Laragh Inn to be met by the proprieter Michael Lynham...He shows us to our room..."He re`s yer bunkbeds in the corner there. The other eight bunkbeds are already taken by the Tallaght boyscouts!"...."Jaysus! I thought we were gettin` a private room, and where`s the jax?"...."4fuksake! What do yis want for 50 quid, and yis can use the jax in the pub!"..."You can have the top bunk. I`m not letting bleedin` boyscouts watch me climb into bed at night. Jaysus I`m bleedin` parchin`, lets go get a vodka!" says Caroline.....Into the bar we head where we are introduced to our tour guide Aidan Lynham...."Howyis, are yis ready for a good hike up the Green road and a bit of history of the area?" ..."I hope theres not a lot of climbin` cause I only have me platforms!".....As we`re walkin` towards the old Mill hostel, I noticed Aidan kept starin` at Caroline`s diddies...."Now folks, this is where Saint Kevin had a monastery, and this is where the monks used to pray, and this is..."...."Jaysus Aidan, will ye stop talkin` shite and give us a bit of juicy history!" sez Caroline....."Well, let me see...Do ye see that shed over there, that’s where I got me first nat-king-cole"... Come to think of it, I noticed a lot of bockety sheep around....After the bollix walked the guts out of us for five miles or more, we eventually got back to Lynhams Pub. "I`m bleedin` starvin` , lets go get our dinnaw !"sez Caroline....Out comes gourmet chef, John Lynham. "Good evening folks, our menu this evening is Granby burger, Batchelors peas, and chips, garnished with one slice of lettuce!"...."Ah Jaysus, is that all? That wouldn’t feed a bleedin` pidgeon. Have ye got a few slices of Batch loaf to go with it?"...."I`m afraid that’s not part of your package, you`ll have to pay extra, 10p per slice of batch!"...That evening the entertainment was provided by John Aherne. As he is singing "The fields of Athenry", Caroline gets up to go to the jax. John shouts into the mike: "I wonder where that wan`s going?"..."Jaysus, yer makin` me bleedin` scarlet!"...At 1am its back to the "hostel dorm" where Caroline is trying to undress inconspicuously, while at the same time having a dose of the giggles (compliments of the 10 bacardi and cokes)....All the Tallaght boy scouts were playing "tents" at this stage...."Now lads! Close yisser eyes or I`ll tell yisser` Ma`s. Yisser a bit bleedin` young for gawkin` yet!"...11am the next mornin` we went back into the pub for a curer. We were sittin` at the bar when we noticed the barmaid (Bridget Lynham) pouring a pint of Guinness for a Yank tourist and putting a shamrock on the head. "I`ll have one of them!" says Caroline..."Sorry, thats only for the American tourists, not for brazzers!"...."Wha` Jaysus I`ll bleedin` reef ye!"....With that she grabs Bridget by the hair and tries to pull her over the bar...We got trun out with Caroline screamin` "I`ll get the Cabra Bootgirls to sort the bleedin` lot of yis out!"....That was Caroline, my Caroline, a true Dublin Brazzer if there ever was wan.