Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Slums of Dublin...Part11 (Confession Box.)

.."Ma, Hey Ma, where`s me silver Gary Glitter outfit and me gold platform shoes?"..."Will ye shut bleedin` up, I`m tryin` to watch QuickSilver with Bunny Carr!". "Ah Jayz ma, I have to meet me mot at 8!"..."If I ever see that brazzer from Cabra `round here, I`ll bleedin` reef her “. I hop on the 53 bus and go upstairs to have a sweet Afton (makin` sure on the way not to crease me Gary Glitter outfit). All the oulwans were upstairs on their way to the Macushla Ballroom for the bingo...They all started slaggin` me..."Hey Gary, D`ye wanna be in our gang!". So I stood up at the top of the bus and gave them an impromptu session... "Come on Come on, Come on Come on". That made their bleedin` night for them. On me way up Marlborough street to catch the Cabra bus, I decided to stop into the Pro-cathedral to say a prayer that the Dubs` would beat that shower a` culchies, Kerry in Croker on Sunday. I passed a creamcracker (knacker) on the steps..."Air a penny for the babbie!"..."Jayz, I`m bleedin` skint meself!"...I walk in and notice the confession box light on , so I decided to take the plunge..."Bless me Father for I have sinned. It`s three months since me last confession"...."Come on, out with it boy!"..."Well ye see father, I have these three mots". ..."Jaysus Christ ye lucky bastard, How`d ye manage that?"..."I just give them the eye Father, and there all bleedin` over me. One of me mots` Caroline, ye should see `er Father. She`s bleedin` gorgeous. She has diddies on her that.." (Sudden interruption)... "Sufferin` Jaysus, its gettin` very bleedin` hot in here!"..."I know what ye mean Father, I`m gettin` the excitement (Angela`s Ashes) just bleedin` thinkin` about her!"..."Where can I meet some of these brazzers?"..."Any of the discos` around town Father...Bubbles is a good place on Sunday at 3pm. The place is bleedin` hoppin` with them". "That’s bleedin sound as a bell. I finish the last mass at 1pm, then it`s off with the collar, up to Briodys for a few scoops, and then Brazzers! Here I come!...So what have ye to confess anyway?". "Well ye see Father, I have to bring the three of them on holliers and I haven’t a pot to piss in, so I robbed the lead of Clery`s roof"...."OKay! if you can fix me up with a brazzer at Bubbles, I`ll let ye off easy...Just say one Our Father, two Hail Mary’s` and one Glory be to the Father"....On me way out, I go over to light a candle for "Heffo`s Army", and I notice that the lock is off the money box. In goes the oul "lamh" and out comes a fistful of twopences. I do a runner out the door, on the way I throw one at the creamcracker. "Don`t spend it all in one go!"...I figure that good deed should be good enough for a goal from Tony Hanohoe on Sunday, or maybe for the "Bomber" Liston to break his leg...

Friday, August 25, 2006

Slums of Dublin...Part10 (Big Muriel's Stall.)

Its Tuesday morning and I`m coming back from the Smithfield markets with the fruit and veg for Big Muriel`s stall when I stopped at the Pound shop in Mary Street to buy a present for Susan`s birthday and bought her 4 tea-towels on sale for a pound . So off I went down to Moore Street. Phil was standin` beside Big Muriels` stall with a bag full of kitkat bars that he was selling at five for a pound. "Here look what I got Sue for her birthday...What a bargain!" sez I..."Jayz yer a bleedin`cheapskate...go across there to Dunnes Stores and buy her somethin` else or she`ll bleedin` give ye an earful!". We were standin` there with our backs against Buckleys butchers havin` a good chinwag, when we noticed Cross-eyed Eileen at the stall next to Big Muriel`s bending down to check some fruit under her stall. "Are yis gettin a good bleedin` gander lads" she said as she seemed to be looking in another direction. So we just leaned back against the window to enjoy the view and played "Pocket Billiards". Then Big Muriel came from behind and grabbed the two of us by the crotch, (she had arms like tree trunks and fists like shovels and a vice grip stronger than a pit bull)..."Now lads! Get yis-is-er minds out of yis-is-er jocks!" she said as she kept on squeezing. I looked down and through the pain all I could see was "I luv Wacker" and all Phil could see was "I luv Micka", and she kept her grip until Phil yelped in a high-pitched contralto voice "Jayzus Muriel, yer chokin` me charlie!"...With all the oulwans in Moore St. fallin about the place laughin`, I skidaddled over to Dunnes stores to buy another present for Suzy. "How much are yer bras?" I sez to snobby lookin` wan at the cash register. "What size do ye want, A B, C, or D cup?" ...."Hmmm how about a B and C"..."Its got to be one or the other" she sez.... "Well Jayzus, all I know is one diddy is bigger than the other!". So after buying a cross-your- heart Playtex bra, I went home to get spruced up to go meet Suzy.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Slums of Dublin...Part9 (National Ballroom.)

.After the meal, I decided to go home and change, and meet everybody in the Abbey Mooney pub at 9pm....So I head out of the flats and over Johnny Cullen`s hill to East Wall....."Ma, Hey Ma!..Where`s me white ShowaddyWaddy suit and black bumper sneakers?"..."Will ye shut bleedin` up, I`m tryin` to watch Coronation Street...Hilda(Ogden) is makin` a chip buttie for Eddie(Yates)."..."Ah Jayz ma, I have to meet me mot at 9pm."..."I hope yer not still seein` that brazzer from Cabra...Go and get yerself a nice country girl, those brazzers will never cook for ye or wash yer jocks!" So I arrive in the Abbey Mooney to see the three of them already on their third pint. "I see I have a bit of catchin` up to do with yiz!"...As soon as we got inside the door of the National, Ger (as usual) sez to Penelope,.."Do ye want to go to the toilet?"..."Nows our chance to get a bit of smooch from some of the other cuclhie colleens" I said to Paulie. The first one I asked, "Are ye gettin up?"..."No way, who do ye think ye are in that suit ..Shakin` Stevens!"..."Did ye bring yer bleedin` knitting with ye!"...The next one I asked said yes, and even though the song was fast- "Blanket on the ground" by BillieJoe Spears, I wrapped me arms around her to slowdance and did the Russian hands and Roman fingers routine. "You`re to fasht for me." she says, and before I could smooth-talk her, Ger gives me a clatter ..."I`ll bleedin` reef ye" she sez...Well we were boppin to the sounds of Philomena Begley,D.J.Curtin, and Big Tom and the Mainliners, when before ye know it the night was over..."I`m bleedin` starvin" sez Ger, "I`d love a bleedin spiceburger!" We soon discovered we spent all our money in the Abbey Mooney. "No bleedin problem." sez I, "Follow me"... and we went across the street from the National and hopped over the railings into the Garden of Remembrance, and then proceeded to rob all the coins out of the fountain...I figured I had done me bit for the 1916 Rising, what with having suffered a dropkick from Sue across from the GPO, when that mad oulwan with the cross revived me..... Eileen! Just dropping in to say thanks for the wonderful night in your flat in Gardiner St. (Although I was a bit embarrassed with the Pope and John F starin` down at us.) Did ye hear that brazzer from Cabra called you a scrubber. If I was you, I`d bleedin` reef `er.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Slums of Dublin...Part8(Culchie Eileen.)

SuzyQ, I`m bleedin` devastated! Your me bleedin`favourite. Is it all off? Jaysus, I want ye back. I promise I`ll buy ye a big bleedin` sparkler from Hector Greys. What about our bleedin` holliers that I`ve been savin` up for. I`ll have ye know I spent all day yesterday trying to rob the lead off the roof of Clery`s for to get spending money for our holliers. The reason I stood ye up last night was… on me way to meet you under Clery`s clock, I saw this poor little culchie girl who seemed in distress. "Are ye alright there mam!" sez I. ... "I`m on me way home to Tipperary, and I`m trying to find where Busarus is...Me bus leaves at 830pm"...."No problem love, I`ll escort ye there...Here give me those Quinnsworth plastic bags and I`ll carry them for ye!"...."You`re such a gentleman, and... a fine-lookin chap too, I might add!"...So there I was, a true christian soul, escorting a poor culchie girl all alone in the big smoke, carry two plastic Quinnsworth bags stuffed to the gills with knickers and bras...When we got to Busarus, we found the bus was going to be an hour late, so I offered to keep her company for an hour and suggested we go across the street to Barneys (The Liffey Bar) on Eden Quay...Well ye know how one pint ends up being four, and when I looked at me watch, it was already too late for her to catch the Tipperary special. So I offered to escort her back to her flat in Gardiner Street. The poor girl had just one room with no heat. The decor was understated, with bare walls save for a picture of the Pope and John F. Kennedy, and an old Macra Na Feirme poster of a ballroom dance in Cloheen..."Would ye like a "poh-a-tay" and some biscuits!" she said. "All I have is Marietta."..."That`s grand luv"....Well one thing led to another, and being the good christian that I am, I felt sorry for her being all alone in this cold, dank, flat....So I offered to stay the night and keep her "warm." So Sue, as you can see, I was just fulfilling my good Christian duty helping poor culchie damselsin distress. I`ll meet ye tomorrow outside Uncle Georges Petshop so we can go buy some bikinis at Dunnes Stores....Luv....Tony.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Slums of Dublin...Part7(Ger's Gaffe.)

"But I thought the Grand National was a horse race?" sez Paulie.(He`s a culchie, need I explain!)...anyway Ger is a fine filly...and well-bred...look at Bridie! Well the smell of the coddle wafted out from the kitchen...I was lickin` me eyebrows in anticipation. Then Ger nodded over to me to go in the back room for a "quickie"...(Every time I go to her gaffe, we go in the back for a quickie to get away from Bridie`s prying eyes.)...It was in the back room that she gave me the "bad" news. "Paulie and Penelope have four tickets in the Hogan stand for the big match in Croker on Sunday between Dublin and Kerry, and they want us to go with them." ..."4FuxSake!...Ye know I always have me spot picked out with the lads on Hill 16!"..."If ye go with them, I`ll give ye yer "special!"...I could never refuse one of Ger`s specials, so I reluctantly agreed to go with the culchies....Bridie arrives at the dinner table with a huge pot full of sausages, rashers, carrots, potatoes, etc..."Begob, that’s a grand lookin` "male" there Mrs. O`Kelly" sez Paulie. "Sure yer a fine cook Auntie Bridie, although I can`t say the same for Ger" sez Penelope...Then Bridie roars out "Jacintha! (Ger`s little sister who was in the front room watchin` telly), Come in for yah dinaw."..."Ah ma, I`m watchin` Wanderly Wagon."..."Wandery f**kin` Wagon!, the shite chisselers watch today, in my day they had Daithi Lacha and School around the corner, with Paddy Crosby!...If I ever see that bleedin` FortyCoats in town, I`ll give him such a kick in the b*LL*x...Will ye get bleedin` in her right now!"..."HowYe Jacintha! Do ye have a boyfriend yet?" sez I. "Will ye shut bleedin` up, yer makin` me scarlet!"..

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Slums of Dublin...Part6 (Sheriff St.)

As I walked into the flats, I got that nervous feeling again. A voice wafted across from the 3rd floor of Laurence’s Mansions...."Pierre, Concepta, yer dinner’s poured...Come in for yizzer souuup". (Isn’t it funny how working-class Dublin mothers give their children "posh" names.) I get to Ger`s door and shout in the broken letterbox "Come out with yer bleedin` hands up, this is the Store Street gardai!"...Ger came out in her "Penney’s" bathrobe with a towel around her head. "Hooya, come in, me "cousind" Penelope (Irishh) and her boyfriend Paulie(Pol1) are here from the country." I knew I could smell "slurry" the minute I walked in the door. I went into the parlor and introduced meself. They sure looked like bleedin` culchies alright. Paulie was wearin` a pair of wranglers way too tight for him. The crack of his arse was showin` and a big bleedin` culchie beerbelly hung over the front of his jeans. There was the obligatory wad of keys hangin` out of his belt. I had a quick look at the back of his neck to see was it really red and jaysus ye could fry and egg on it, if ye had and egg. (Sally O`Brien, where are ye when we need ye!"). Penelope was a big strapping country girl with clothes straight out of Guineys. (Does anybody remember getting the confirmation outfit in Guineys...The salesman tells you what to wear rather than the other way round.)..."I told Paulie and Penelope that we would show them the nightlife scene in Dublin" sez Ger. "And we don`t want none of them "dishcos" or other quare places." sez Paulie. "Oh F***"I thought to meself, that means were left with The Ierne, The National, or the Garda Boat Club... The smell of manure will be ripe tonight...."Well how about the National, thats where me and Ger met!" sez I...."As a matter of fact, Bridie always jokes with me",..."Where did ye meet yer mot"...."At the National"..."What!...Ye mean the Grand National" Ger always goes bleedin` scarlet when I tell people what her oulwan sez...