Monday, December 11, 2006

Slums of Dublin...Part24 (The Brazzers' hit the Grove)

“Ma! Hey Ma, where’s me purple polyester shirt, elephant flairs, and desert boots?”. “Will ye shut bleedin’ up! I’m tryin to do the Lotto”. “Ah jaysus Ma, I need them ‘cause Deco’s posh mot Monica, is bringin’ us all to go the Grove in Raheny”. “Wha! That bleedin’ greaser place where all the fellas have hair down to their arse and the hippie mots don’t wear any bras! Next you’ll be smokin’ pot and goin’ to cider parties in St. Annes! Go and go to the bleedin’ Ierne instead and get yourself a good strappin’ wan from the country. She’d set ye bleedin’ straight!”. So off we head (meself, Deco, Monica, Phil, Mags, and Caroline) up to the Annesley Bridge to catch the 29A to Raheny. Deco goes into the off-licence at the Station House to buy a couple of naggins of Bulmers to drink in the bushes in St. Annes before the big night. As we approached the door of the Grove, Deco looked conspicuous in his Ben Sherman shirt, Wrangler parallels, and Doc Martin boots. “Hey man, we don’t want your sort in here!” sez one of the bouncers (as he’s smokin’ a reefer). “Wha! I’ll have all me mates from Harmo’ and Edenmore to bleedin’ sort yis out!” sez Deco. Monica quickly intervened and said “Listen dudes, I’ll give yis all a free ride later on if yis let him in!”. That hit the spot with the bouncers and we all barreled in for a night of rockin’ and ridin’. Everybody and anybody was there includin’ Biker Pat, Rolo, Eejit, Hayseed Dixie, Floydman, Finno, Blondie, and all the other “Heads” from Clontarf, Raheny, Sutton and Donnycarney. Cecil the DJ had the crowd doin’ air-guitar to the sounds of Wishbone Ash, Deep Purple, and Black Sabbath. O’ Course this did’nt sit well with Mags and she went up to Cecil and said, “Heeyah! Wha’s this shite music ye have on? If ye don’t put on somethin’ “cool” like Gary Glitter or David Cassidy, I’ll kick ye in the bollix!”. It was at that very moment that Cecil had an epiphany. “Well it just so happens that I hate this shite metal stuff too!” he sez. “Here, have a gander at me secret stash of albums I have hidden at the back here. These are me favourites and what I listen too at home when I don’t have these greasers to satisfy”. As Mags opened the box of LPs’ she saw the “Holy Grail” of “brazzer” music. They were all there – ShawaddyWaddy, Mud, BayCityRollers, The Osmonds, etc. “Now yer bleedin’ talking!” sez Mags, “Pur on ByeByeBaby by the Rollers cause I tink Woody is bleedin’ gorgeous!”. As soon as the first line started – “If you hate me after all I say ah ah!”, the brazzers’ had formed a circle with the handbags in the middle on the floor and joined in the chorus “ByeByeBaby Baby Goodbye ahahah…..!” Biker Pat and Rolo freaked out when they heard this and started a big bleedin’ mil. As the chairs, boots and fists started flyin’ the brazzers rolled up their sleeves and kicked the bollixes out of all and sundry. Deco was in his element as he thought to himself, “Jaysus! I luv these bleedin’ brazzers. Every time I go out with them there’s a bleedin’ riot!”.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Slums of Dublin...Part23 (Deco Dunnes Detective)

Well the Flea Degrees haven’t been heard from since the big gig in the Elbow Inn. The gardai in Store street found Mags bra hangin` out of the top of the Five Lamps in Amiens Street the next morning. The gardai in Ballymun found Sally`s knickers hangin` out of the top window in Patrick Pearse Tower. Caroline`s tights were found wrapped around James Joyce`s neck in North Earl Street. The girls are gone very bleedin` posh these days. Ever since the gig, they have hired Boyzone as their roadies (Boyzone broke up `cause their music was shite, and when they got the offer to roadie for the Flea Degrees, they jumped at the chance. Especially the clause in the job application that said payment was in "kind"!)Jaysus Caroline! It’s a small bleedin’ world after all. My best mate, (let’s call him “Deco” for privacy’s sake) works in Dunnes as a store detective and he bleedin’ loves it. He spends most of his time friskin’ all the oulwans as they exit. However, he was very lucky getting’ the job `cause he had just got out of the ‘joy after doin’ a 6month stretch for robbin’ the lead off Clery’s roof in O’Connell Street. I felt very bleedin’ sorry for him, so I invited him and his mot (lets call her Monica for privacy’s sake) over to my mots’ gaff – St Laurence’s Mansions in Sheriff Street flats, one night, and Gok mentioned how she loved workin’ on the cash-register in Dunnes. I could see Deco’s eyes light up in anticipation as Gok went into detail in describing the benefits of working in Dunnes (e.g. bring home “free
merchandise” every night). Anyway, we set him up with an interview for store-detective and he hasn’t looked back. He was tellin’ me one day last week an oulwan (lets call her Mags for privacy sake) was walkin’ out and looked very suspicious what with a pair of jugs bigger than melons and an arse on her that would change the course of the Nile. As Deco eyed her up and down, she retorted; “Heeyah! Have I
got 10 bleedin’ heads or wha!. Get yer bleedin’ mind out of yer jocks and don’t be gawkin’, ye bollix!” That made Deco mad, and he accosted her and brought her into his “interrogation” room. Turns out she was wearin’ 10 bras and 20 knickers. When the gardai came she pleaded for leniency and mentioned that she was a very religious
person and only stole items with saints names (in this case St. Bernard).

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Slums of Dublin...Part22 (The Big Gig,)

It was a bleedin` magic night. Everybody who was anybody was there including, Adam, Bono, and Garret Fitzgerald gettin` there "phoho" taken for the Sunday World. There was even some royalty - Prince Charles and his floozy, Camilla Parker-Bowles. There was a mad rush as soon as the front door of the Elbow Inn was opened, but GOK was there in her all leather "Bouncer" outfit sportin` her Gary Glitter tattoos, and she beat everybody back with arms built like tree trunks and fists built like shovels. Deco, being an experienced store detective, helped her out by friskin` all the brazzers. When the Royal couple approached, Gok gladly gave Charles a good goin` over, while Deco got his first feel of royal knickers. The Flea Degrees were in their dressing room (the ladies jax) sweatin` bricks. Sally had already gone through 40 Woodbines, Mags had said 10 decades of the rosary, and Caroline had to change her drawers twice she was such a bag of nerves. Joneser (DJOnline) was suppose to be doing the lighting, but all he had was a torch which he bought in the Banba stores earlier on. When it came time for the support band to come on stage, the lights were dimmed, and it was Joneser`s big moment, but the bleedin` batteries were dead in the flashlight, and he had to scarper down to Hector Greys to get new batteries. The support band, Weapon-X, kept fallin` over themselves in the dark, and when the singer Martin (J) bumped into the drums, he threw a wobbler, and spilled his pint of Guinness over the drummer. The band got into a big bleedin` mil then and threw each other into the mosh pit formed by a dozen brazzers at the front of the stage. Deco was taking advantage of the dark by goin` around and groping all the brazzers. When Joneser arrived back from Hector Grays, it was time for the Flea Degrees to make a grand entrance from the Ladies Jax. He stands on a stool in the back with the torch shining on the jax door and through a haze of Woodbine and Major smoke, out comes the girls all decked out in bovril, boot-polish, and whatever else the would give them a fake "dark" tan. Straight away they lashed into their biggest hit: "When will I see you again". This was Prince Charles’ favorite song, and as soon as he heard the first line, he was up on the stage in a flash. He grabbed the mike off Sally, and Caroline and Mags were both nibbling on his ears as he crooned. Deco got mad jealous, so he got up on a table and started doin` his Barleycorn impression; "Oh, Armored cars and tanks and guns came to take away our sons, But every man will stand behind the men behind the wire". The place was running amok when........

Monday, November 06, 2006

Slums of Dublin...Part21 (The Elbow Inn, Mary St.)

Well folks, tomorrow night is the big night, and the girls are wettin’ their knickers with worry. Flea Degree fever has taken over Dublin and CIE are puttin’ on extra buses from “Tallah”, Ballyer, Cuuulick, Ballymun, and Finglas. I heard there’s a big sale on the fruit and veg’ in Moore street because all the oulwans want to leave their stalls early and lash over to Peter Marks to get their curlers out for the big gig. The gardai have cordoned off Mary street and redirected traffic up Capel Street. There’s a queue lookin’ for tickets outside the Elbow Inn that runs right down to “De L’Ilac Centre”. Deco was caught tryin’ to sell forged tickets outside the CIE hall in Marlborough Street, but the gardai let him off when he gave them 2 free tickets for themselves. Me mate Joneser (DJOnline) said his mot is getting’ all the programs printed (on the Q.T.), at her factory job in Smurfits in Glasnevin. Rumours are rife as to who is playing support to the Flea Degrees. Everyone from Big Tom and the Mainliners, to Philomena Begley, and even Wee Daniel himself have been spreading all over Moore Street. Dosser, (ever the entrepreneur) got his mate Stu to run off a load a tee-shirts with 3 diddies on the front and he was sellin’ them out of a Roches Stores plastic bag on the corner of Liffey Street. Gay Byrne went on the air this morning to raffle off 2 tickets on his Morning Ireland radio show and the phone lines were jammed. The Wharf Tavern darts team had a fund raiser raffle last week for their annual trip (booze-up) to the Isle of Man, and first prize was 2 tickets to the Flea Degrees concert. On the night of the raffle the tickets mysteriously went missing and the lads had to quickly improvise and offer 2 free tickets to see Roly Daniels in the Old Sheiling instead. When all the oulwans in the Tav heard this they started a riot, and the Store Street gardai had to be called to evacuate the place. If yis haven’t got yisser tickets yet, Deco will be sellin’ some downstairs in the Flowing Tide tonight……See you there…

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Slums of Dublin...Part20 (The Flea Degrees.)

The two brazzers Mags and Caroline talked Sally into joining their new all-girl band The Flea Degrees……
Meself and Deco have been workin’ our bollixes off all last night puttin’ up the posters of The Flea Degrees for yizzer mega-gig on next Tuesday. I hope yiz are goin’ to throw a few bob our way. At the very least, yiz better buy us a pint in Briody’s pub, and give us a free ride off each of yis. We went all over bleedin’ Dublin, includin’ : the 15th floor of Liberty Hall, over Clery’s Clock, the top floor of St. Laurences Mansions in Sheriff St., over the stalls in the Ivy Markets, and on top of the Zhivago, (Where Love Stories Begin) sign in Westmoreland Street. Deco sez his Ma is bringin’ a big contingent of oulwans from the Legion of Mary. I hope the practice sessions in Lloyds bar in Amiens street are goin’ o.k. …. Ah Jaysus! The oul nerves are gettin to the girls. I can feel it in me water. Mags and Caroline were in a big bleedin` cat fight over who gets to be in the middle on stage, when Mags pulled off Carolines wig and threw it in the Tolka river. I had to go home to me ma and beg her for a loan of the mop so we could use the handle for to hold the mike and the top of the mop for Caroline`s new wig. It was bleedin` manky dirty all ready, but I lashed on the boot polish all the same just to give it that shiny look. Caroline looks like Whitney Heuston on a bad hair day with the wig (mop) on. P. S. Will someone please give me all the beef about what happened at the party in Deco`s house, where he was friskin` all the brazzers at the door. I told yis I was bleedin` palatic, and can`t remember. The only thing was I woke up in Fairview park the next morning with a pair of knickers in me pocket. I`d love to know which brazzer it was I was ridin`. The knickers were size 38 and the elastic was nearly gone in them. If the owner doesn’t claim them by tomorrow, I`m goin` to give them to me ma for her birthday.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Slums of Dublin...Part19 (Deco! Dunne's Stores Detective.)

"Ma!, hey ma!, where`s me Top-of-the-Pops LP?"..."Will ye shut bleedin` up, I`m reading True Detective!"..."Ah jaysus Ma! I need it for a party in Deco`s house tonight."..."Wha! that snobby bitch of an oulwan of his wouldn’t let anyone inside her door!"...."Deco`s ma is going on a retreat to Lough Derg with the Legion of Mary, and he has an empty house!"...."Lough-bleedin`-Derg! She should be locked bleedin` up , scallywaggin` all over O`Connell street, with her cross and rosary beads, annoyin` us poor bleedin` brazzers with her God-fearin` ways!"...I arrive in Moore Street with the pram full of fruit and veg from the Smithfield markets to find Deco, Monica, Phil, and Mags hangin` out by Big Muriel and Cross-eyed-Eileen`s stalls....They were all celebrating Deco`s new Store Detective job at Dunnes Stores, when Monica suggests to all the other brazzers, "Any chance yis`ll let Deco practice on yis for his new job?" So Deco lines all the brazzers up against F.X. Buckleys Butchers and sez, "Put yisser hands against the wall and spread yisser legs girls, someone has rifled the hosiery department of ten playtex bras and walked out without paying!"...Deco starts with Big Muriel and works his way down the line through Cross-Eyed-Eileen, Mags, and Monica, makin` sure to take his time friskin` all the girls. As he is rummaging through Mag`s blouse, he notices she`s not wearing a bra, and spends extra time frisking her.(And she`s lovin` every bleedin` minute of it!). He found a bag full of jewellery with the tags still on them saying Lawrence`s Jewellers. ..."Jaysus! Talk about being over-enthusiastic about the job, he`ll make a great bleedin` security guard, That’s my Deco!!" sez Monica..."Listen girls, yis are all invited back to me gaff for a jam-tarty tonight, but make sure yis are wearin` yer knickers, cause I`m on the door, and I`ll be friskin` all the brazzers!" sez Deco...."Hey Deco!, Here`s the LP you were asking me for. It`s bleedin` magic. It`s got Slade, Suzy Quattro, David Essex, and Mud(Tiger Feet). We`ll be boppin` the night away!". sez I..... Then I head down Henry Street to Peter Marks Hairdressers, to meet Caroline for lunch...As I`m waitin` for Caroline, she`s puttin` curlers in some oulwan`s hair, and showin` a new trainee hairdresser the ropes.... "Jaysus! What’s yer wan`s name, she`s a bit of bleedin` alright?" sez I(as I notice the new mot givin` me the eye!)... "Her name is Sally, and I`m her new boss, she does whatever I bleedin` tell her!...Heeyah Sally, there`s a bleedin` brush. Sweep up all the hair on the ground!"..."I luv bleedin` bossin` her around!" whispers Caroline....

Monday, October 16, 2006

Slums of Dublin...Part18 (South of the Liffey.)

"Ma, Hey Ma! where`s me O`Connell`s school cap? Its bleedin` lashin` outside."..."Will ye shut bleedin` up, I`m tryin` to pluck me eyebrows and do meself up for Sil Fox at the Old Sheiling tonight!"...I`m walkin` up Talbot street, when I bump into Monica all dickied-out in a tin-of-fruit that was ruffled in the front...."Howyeh Mon! What happened yeh, Yer suit is all ruffled at the front and yer shirt is undone?"..."Aw! I`m after been to me interview for the cashier job in Dunnes Stores, and that bleedin` Wacker fella was feelin` me up. He said it was part of the interview process. He even had Ben Dunne, the chief executive there as well and he gave me diddies a good rub down. He said it was part and parcel of being a Dunnes Stores cashier. The good news is I got the job, and even better news, I got Deco a job as a store detective. But when they found out that he just got out of the `Joy, they were a little reluctant, until I offered to give them both a ride!"..."Well Jaysus! we`ll have to celebrate! Why don`t you and Deco come with me and Ger on our holliers to Blackpool. Yis can bunk into our B&B?"..."That’s bleedin` deadly, and you`se are invited out tonight with me and Deco. It`s me last chance to go over the southside before I become a brazzer!"....So that night, me and Ger met Deco and Monica outside the Banba store in Tara street..."Ok lads! First stop is Mulligans pub in Poolbeg street, around the corner"... Me, Deco and Ger were a bit nervous with all the bleedin` snobs, but Monica was in her element...Ger looked out of place with her 6inch platforms, miniskirt and strapless boobtube top. Everybody in the pub seemed a little uneasy when they saw me and Deco in wrangler parallels and Docmartin boots. Of course, Ger had to start off her Gloria Gaynor impression..."At first I was afraid I was petrified....."...That gave the barman an excuse to get rid of us, but with Deco gettin hotheaded about being asked to leave, he decided not to charge us for the drinks. ...Next stop was Baggot street where we stopped into Doheny and Nesbitts. Mary Black was sittin` at the bar wearin` the face off Declan Synott...Monica went up to her to get her autograph..."Any chance Mary!"..."Can`t ye see I`m suckin` face! Here give me that beermat"...In the corner, Charlie Haughey had his arm around yer wan from RTE news. Next stop was Toners pub, but we kept losin` each other cause we couldn’t see through all the hair. Deco was goin` round saying "Peace man" to all the dudes...The smell of grease permeated the air and all the hippies kept admiring Ger`s strapless bube tube. One of the greasers offered Ger a weed, but she declined and said "I only smoke Major!”. Then we went to a gig in the Baggot Inn. The Lookalikes were playing and as soon as they came on stage, Monica and Ger were up in a flash, hangin` out of Paul O`Conner, and shouting into the mike..."Baby don`t leave `til I wake up...Baby don`t leave `til I wake up in the morning!"...I think Paul was embarrassed by them....After the gig, we stopped at the kebab stand outside the Baggot Inn and Deco`s face was covered in sauce after lashin` into a kebab...Then we hit Leeson street, but at every night club we were stopped by bouncers at the door...This made Deco mad, so he hijacked a taxi to bring us back over to the northside..."That’s the last bleedin` time we`re goin` south of the Liffey...bleedin` snobs!" he sez ,as he hands a match to Monica to set fire to the taxi...She did it without hesitation...That was my Harmonica...A true Dublin brazzer if there ever was one.