Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Slums of Dublin...Part23 (Deco Dunnes Detective)

Well the Flea Degrees haven’t been heard from since the big gig in the Elbow Inn. The gardai in Store street found Mags bra hangin` out of the top of the Five Lamps in Amiens Street the next morning. The gardai in Ballymun found Sally`s knickers hangin` out of the top window in Patrick Pearse Tower. Caroline`s tights were found wrapped around James Joyce`s neck in North Earl Street. The girls are gone very bleedin` posh these days. Ever since the gig, they have hired Boyzone as their roadies (Boyzone broke up `cause their music was shite, and when they got the offer to roadie for the Flea Degrees, they jumped at the chance. Especially the clause in the job application that said payment was in "kind"!)Jaysus Caroline! It’s a small bleedin’ world after all. My best mate, (let’s call him “Deco” for privacy’s sake) works in Dunnes as a store detective and he bleedin’ loves it. He spends most of his time friskin’ all the oulwans as they exit. However, he was very lucky getting’ the job `cause he had just got out of the ‘joy after doin’ a 6month stretch for robbin’ the lead off Clery’s roof in O’Connell Street. I felt very bleedin’ sorry for him, so I invited him and his mot (lets call her Monica for privacy’s sake) over to my mots’ gaff – St Laurence’s Mansions in Sheriff Street flats, one night, and Gok mentioned how she loved workin’ on the cash-register in Dunnes. I could see Deco’s eyes light up in anticipation as Gok went into detail in describing the benefits of working in Dunnes (e.g. bring home “free
merchandise” every night). Anyway, we set him up with an interview for store-detective and he hasn’t looked back. He was tellin’ me one day last week an oulwan (lets call her Mags for privacy sake) was walkin’ out and looked very suspicious what with a pair of jugs bigger than melons and an arse on her that would change the course of the Nile. As Deco eyed her up and down, she retorted; “Heeyah! Have I
got 10 bleedin’ heads or wha!. Get yer bleedin’ mind out of yer jocks and don’t be gawkin’, ye bollix!” That made Deco mad, and he accosted her and brought her into his “interrogation” room. Turns out she was wearin’ 10 bras and 20 knickers. When the gardai came she pleaded for leniency and mentioned that she was a very religious
person and only stole items with saints names (in this case St. Bernard).

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Slums of Dublin...Part22 (The Big Gig,)

It was a bleedin` magic night. Everybody who was anybody was there including, Adam, Bono, and Garret Fitzgerald gettin` there "phoho" taken for the Sunday World. There was even some royalty - Prince Charles and his floozy, Camilla Parker-Bowles. There was a mad rush as soon as the front door of the Elbow Inn was opened, but GOK was there in her all leather "Bouncer" outfit sportin` her Gary Glitter tattoos, and she beat everybody back with arms built like tree trunks and fists built like shovels. Deco, being an experienced store detective, helped her out by friskin` all the brazzers. When the Royal couple approached, Gok gladly gave Charles a good goin` over, while Deco got his first feel of royal knickers. The Flea Degrees were in their dressing room (the ladies jax) sweatin` bricks. Sally had already gone through 40 Woodbines, Mags had said 10 decades of the rosary, and Caroline had to change her drawers twice she was such a bag of nerves. Joneser (DJOnline) was suppose to be doing the lighting, but all he had was a torch which he bought in the Banba stores earlier on. When it came time for the support band to come on stage, the lights were dimmed, and it was Joneser`s big moment, but the bleedin` batteries were dead in the flashlight, and he had to scarper down to Hector Greys to get new batteries. The support band, Weapon-X, kept fallin` over themselves in the dark, and when the singer Martin (J) bumped into the drums, he threw a wobbler, and spilled his pint of Guinness over the drummer. The band got into a big bleedin` mil then and threw each other into the mosh pit formed by a dozen brazzers at the front of the stage. Deco was taking advantage of the dark by goin` around and groping all the brazzers. When Joneser arrived back from Hector Grays, it was time for the Flea Degrees to make a grand entrance from the Ladies Jax. He stands on a stool in the back with the torch shining on the jax door and through a haze of Woodbine and Major smoke, out comes the girls all decked out in bovril, boot-polish, and whatever else the would give them a fake "dark" tan. Straight away they lashed into their biggest hit: "When will I see you again". This was Prince Charles’ favorite song, and as soon as he heard the first line, he was up on the stage in a flash. He grabbed the mike off Sally, and Caroline and Mags were both nibbling on his ears as he crooned. Deco got mad jealous, so he got up on a table and started doin` his Barleycorn impression; "Oh, Armored cars and tanks and guns came to take away our sons, But every man will stand behind the men behind the wire". The place was running amok when........

Monday, November 06, 2006

Slums of Dublin...Part21 (The Elbow Inn, Mary St.)

Well folks, tomorrow night is the big night, and the girls are wettin’ their knickers with worry. Flea Degree fever has taken over Dublin and CIE are puttin’ on extra buses from “Tallah”, Ballyer, Cuuulick, Ballymun, and Finglas. I heard there’s a big sale on the fruit and veg’ in Moore street because all the oulwans want to leave their stalls early and lash over to Peter Marks to get their curlers out for the big gig. The gardai have cordoned off Mary street and redirected traffic up Capel Street. There’s a queue lookin’ for tickets outside the Elbow Inn that runs right down to “De L’Ilac Centre”. Deco was caught tryin’ to sell forged tickets outside the CIE hall in Marlborough Street, but the gardai let him off when he gave them 2 free tickets for themselves. Me mate Joneser (DJOnline) said his mot is getting’ all the programs printed (on the Q.T.), at her factory job in Smurfits in Glasnevin. Rumours are rife as to who is playing support to the Flea Degrees. Everyone from Big Tom and the Mainliners, to Philomena Begley, and even Wee Daniel himself have been spreading all over Moore Street. Dosser, (ever the entrepreneur) got his mate Stu to run off a load a tee-shirts with 3 diddies on the front and he was sellin’ them out of a Roches Stores plastic bag on the corner of Liffey Street. Gay Byrne went on the air this morning to raffle off 2 tickets on his Morning Ireland radio show and the phone lines were jammed. The Wharf Tavern darts team had a fund raiser raffle last week for their annual trip (booze-up) to the Isle of Man, and first prize was 2 tickets to the Flea Degrees concert. On the night of the raffle the tickets mysteriously went missing and the lads had to quickly improvise and offer 2 free tickets to see Roly Daniels in the Old Sheiling instead. When all the oulwans in the Tav heard this they started a riot, and the Store Street gardai had to be called to evacuate the place. If yis haven’t got yisser tickets yet, Deco will be sellin’ some downstairs in the Flowing Tide tonight……See you there…