Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Slums of Dublin...Part16 (Glendalough.)

"Ma, Hey Ma! Do ye have a Roches stores plastic bag. I need it for to carry me gear for me holliers in Glendalough?"...."Will ye shut bleedin` up! I`m tryin` to watch Tolka Row on the telly!"..."Ah Jayz ma, I have to get all me gear ready for the mornin`. I`m meetin` Caroline at the St. Kevins` bus stop on Stephen`s Green!"..."That brazzer from O`Devaney Gardens! Jaysus, would ye not get yerself a nice posh mot from Clontarf or somewhere?"....Next Morning I head down to the Green, and there’s Caroline with a big bleedin suitcase at the busstop..."Jaysus, were only goin` for the weekend!"...."Well I`m not like you, wearin the same jocks for a week!"..."Hey! Since we`re beside the Dandelion market, Do ye want to go in and get some frenchies, and you ask for them cause I’d be too bleedin` embarrassed!"... Caroline goes up to this stall and asks a hippie mot for the frenchies, while I pretend to be rummagin` through lp`s in the next stall...."I have Durex and Trojan, but I make my boyfriend use Durex cause it feels much better!" We arrive at the Laragh Inn to be met by the proprieter Michael Lynham...He shows us to our room..."He re`s yer bunkbeds in the corner there. The other eight bunkbeds are already taken by the Tallaght boyscouts!"...."Jaysus! I thought we were gettin` a private room, and where`s the jax?"...."4fuksake! What do yis want for 50 quid, and yis can use the jax in the pub!"..."You can have the top bunk. I`m not letting bleedin` boyscouts watch me climb into bed at night. Jaysus I`m bleedin` parchin`, lets go get a vodka!" says Caroline.....Into the bar we head where we are introduced to our tour guide Aidan Lynham...."Howyis, are yis ready for a good hike up the Green road and a bit of history of the area?" ..."I hope theres not a lot of climbin` cause I only have me platforms!".....As we`re walkin` towards the old Mill hostel, I noticed Aidan kept starin` at Caroline`s diddies...."Now folks, this is where Saint Kevin had a monastery, and this is where the monks used to pray, and this is..."...."Jaysus Aidan, will ye stop talkin` shite and give us a bit of juicy history!" sez Caroline....."Well, let me see...Do ye see that shed over there, that’s where I got me first nat-king-cole"... Come to think of it, I noticed a lot of bockety sheep around....After the bollix walked the guts out of us for five miles or more, we eventually got back to Lynhams Pub. "I`m bleedin` starvin` , lets go get our dinnaw !"sez Caroline....Out comes gourmet chef, John Lynham. "Good evening folks, our menu this evening is Granby burger, Batchelors peas, and chips, garnished with one slice of lettuce!"...."Ah Jaysus, is that all? That wouldn’t feed a bleedin` pidgeon. Have ye got a few slices of Batch loaf to go with it?"...."I`m afraid that’s not part of your package, you`ll have to pay extra, 10p per slice of batch!"...That evening the entertainment was provided by John Aherne. As he is singing "The fields of Athenry", Caroline gets up to go to the jax. John shouts into the mike: "I wonder where that wan`s going?"..."Jaysus, yer makin` me bleedin` scarlet!"...At 1am its back to the "hostel dorm" where Caroline is trying to undress inconspicuously, while at the same time having a dose of the giggles (compliments of the 10 bacardi and cokes)....All the Tallaght boy scouts were playing "tents" at this stage...."Now lads! Close yisser eyes or I`ll tell yisser` Ma`s. Yisser a bit bleedin` young for gawkin` yet!"...11am the next mornin` we went back into the pub for a curer. We were sittin` at the bar when we noticed the barmaid (Bridget Lynham) pouring a pint of Guinness for a Yank tourist and putting a shamrock on the head. "I`ll have one of them!" says Caroline..."Sorry, thats only for the American tourists, not for brazzers!"...."Wha` Jaysus I`ll bleedin` reef ye!"....With that she grabs Bridget by the hair and tries to pull her over the bar...We got trun out with Caroline screamin` "I`ll get the Cabra Bootgirls to sort the bleedin` lot of yis out!"....That was Caroline, my Caroline, a true Dublin Brazzer if there ever was wan.