Slums of Dublin...Part11 (Confession Box.)

.."Ma, Hey Ma, where`s me silver Gary Glitter outfit and me gold platform shoes?"..."Will ye shut bleedin` up, I`m tryin` to watch QuickSilver with Bunny Carr!". "Ah Jayz ma, I have to meet me mot at 8!"..."If I ever see that brazzer from Cabra `round here, I`ll bleedin` reef her “. I hop on the 53 bus and go upstairs to have a sweet Afton (makin` sure on the way not to crease me Gary Glitter outfit). All the oulwans were upstairs on their way to the Macushla Ballroom for the bingo...They all started slaggin` me..."Hey Gary, D`ye wanna be in our gang!". So I stood up at the top of the bus and gave them an impromptu session... "Come on Come on, Come on Come on". That made their bleedin` night for them. On me way up Marlborough street to catch the Cabra bus, I decided to stop into the Pro-cathedral to say a prayer that the Dubs` would beat that shower a` culchies, Kerry in Croker on Sunday. I passed a creamcracker (knacker) on the steps..."Air a penny for the babbie!"..."Jayz, I`m bleedin` skint meself!"...I walk in and notice the confession box light on , so I decided to take the plunge..."Bless me Father for I have sinned. It`s three months since me last confession"...."Come on, out with it boy!"..."Well ye see father, I have these three mots". ..."Jaysus Christ ye lucky bastard, How`d ye manage that?"..."I just give them the eye Father, and there all bleedin` over me. One of me mots` Caroline, ye should see `er Father. She`s bleedin` gorgeous. She has diddies on her that.." (Sudden interruption)... "Sufferin` Jaysus, its gettin` very bleedin` hot in here!"..."I know what ye mean Father, I`m gettin` the excitement (Angela`s Ashes) just bleedin` thinkin` about her!"..."Where can I meet some of these brazzers?"..."Any of the discos` around town Father...Bubbles is a good place on Sunday at 3pm. The place is bleedin` hoppin` with them". "That’s bleedin sound as a bell. I finish the last mass at 1pm, then it`s off with the collar, up to Briodys for a few scoops, and then Brazzers! Here I come!...So what have ye to confess anyway?". "Well ye see Father, I have to bring the three of them on holliers and I haven’t a pot to piss in, so I robbed the lead of Clery`s roof"...."OKay! if you can fix me up with a brazzer at Bubbles, I`ll let ye off easy...Just say one Our Father, two Hail Mary’s` and one Glory be to the Father"....On me way out, I go over to light a candle for "Heffo`s Army", and I notice that the lock is off the money box. In goes the oul "lamh" and out comes a fistful of twopences. I do a runner out the door, on the way I throw one at the creamcracker. "Don`t spend it all in one go!"...I figure that good deed should be good enough for a goal from Tony Hanohoe on Sunday, or maybe for the "Bomber" Liston to break his leg...

Slums of Dublin...Part10 (Big Muriel's Stall.)

Its Tuesday morning and I`m coming back from the Smithfield markets with the fruit and veg for Big Muriel`s stall when I stopped at the Pound shop in Mary Street to buy a present for Susan`s birthday and bought her 4 tea-towels on sale for a pound . So off I went down to Moore Street. Phil was standin` beside Big Muriels` stall with a bag full of kitkat bars that he was selling at five for a pound. "Here look what I got Sue for her birthday...What a bargain!" sez I..."Jayz yer a bleedin`cheapskate...go across there to Dunnes Stores and buy her somethin` else or she`ll bleedin` give ye an earful!". We were standin` there with our backs against Buckleys butchers havin` a good chinwag, when we noticed Cross-eyed Eileen at the stall next to Big Muriel`s bending down to check some fruit under her stall. "Are yis gettin a good bleedin` gander lads" she said as she seemed to be looking in another direction. So we just leaned back against the window to enjoy the view and played "Pocket Billiards". Then Big Muriel came from behind and grabbed the two of us by the crotch, (she had arms like tree trunks and fists like shovels and a vice grip stronger than a pit bull)..."Now lads! Get yis-is-er minds out of yis-is-er jocks!" she said as she kept on squeezing. I looked down and through the pain all I could see was "I luv Wacker" and all Phil could see was "I luv Micka", and she kept her grip until Phil yelped in a high-pitched contralto voice "Jayzus Muriel, yer chokin` me charlie!"...With all the oulwans in Moore St. fallin about the place laughin`, I skidaddled over to Dunnes stores to buy another present for Suzy. "How much are yer bras?" I sez to snobby lookin` wan at the cash register. "What size do ye want, A B, C, or D cup?" ...."Hmmm how about a B and C"..."Its got to be one or the other" she sez.... "Well Jayzus, all I know is one diddy is bigger than the other!". So after buying a cross-your- heart Playtex bra, I went home to get spruced up to go meet Suzy.

Slums of Dublin...Part9 (National Ballroom.)

.After the meal, I decided to go home and change, and meet everybody in the Abbey Mooney pub at 9pm....So I head out of the flats and over Johnny Cullen`s hill to East Wall....."Ma, Hey Ma!..Where`s me white ShowaddyWaddy suit and black bumper sneakers?"..."Will ye shut bleedin` up, I`m tryin` to watch Coronation Street...Hilda(Ogden) is makin` a chip buttie for Eddie(Yates)."..."Ah Jayz ma, I have to meet me mot at 9pm."..."I hope yer not still seein` that brazzer from Cabra...Go and get yerself a nice country girl, those brazzers will never cook for ye or wash yer jocks!" So I arrive in the Abbey Mooney to see the three of them already on their third pint. "I see I have a bit of catchin` up to do with yiz!"...As soon as we got inside the door of the National, Ger (as usual) sez to Penelope,.."Do ye want to go to the toilet?"..."Nows our chance to get a bit of smooch from some of the other cuclhie colleens" I said to Paulie. The first one I asked, "Are ye gettin up?"..."No way, who do ye think ye are in that suit ..Shakin` Stevens!"..."Did ye bring yer bleedin` knitting with ye!"...The next one I asked said yes, and even though the song was fast- "Blanket on the ground" by BillieJoe Spears, I wrapped me arms around her to slowdance and did the Russian hands and Roman fingers routine. "You`re to fasht for me." she says, and before I could smooth-talk her, Ger gives me a clatter ..."I`ll bleedin` reef ye" she sez...Well we were boppin to the sounds of Philomena Begley,D.J.Curtin, and Big Tom and the Mainliners, when before ye know it the night was over..."I`m bleedin` starvin" sez Ger, "I`d love a bleedin spiceburger!" We soon discovered we spent all our money in the Abbey Mooney. "No bleedin problem." sez I, "Follow me"... and we went across the street from the National and hopped over the railings into the Garden of Remembrance, and then proceeded to rob all the coins out of the fountain...I figured I had done me bit for the 1916 Rising, what with having suffered a dropkick from Sue across from the GPO, when that mad oulwan with the cross revived me..... Eileen! Just dropping in to say thanks for the wonderful night in your flat in Gardiner St. (Although I was a bit embarrassed with the Pope and John F starin` down at us.) Did ye hear that brazzer from Cabra called you a scrubber. If I was you, I`d bleedin` reef `er.

Slums of Dublin...Part8(Culchie Eileen.)

SuzyQ, I`m bleedin` devastated! Your me bleedin`favourite. Is it all off? Jaysus, I want ye back. I promise I`ll buy ye a big bleedin` sparkler from Hector Greys. What about our bleedin` holliers that I`ve been savin` up for. I`ll have ye know I spent all day yesterday trying to rob the lead off the roof of Clery`s for to get spending money for our holliers. The reason I stood ye up last night was… on me way to meet you under Clery`s clock, I saw this poor little culchie girl who seemed in distress. "Are ye alright there mam!" sez I. ... "I`m on me way home to Tipperary, and I`m trying to find where Busarus is...Me bus leaves at 830pm"...."No problem love, I`ll escort ye there...Here give me those Quinnsworth plastic bags and I`ll carry them for ye!"...."You`re such a gentleman, and... a fine-lookin chap too, I might add!"...So there I was, a true christian soul, escorting a poor culchie girl all alone in the big smoke, carry two plastic Quinnsworth bags stuffed to the gills with knickers and bras...When we got to Busarus, we found the bus was going to be an hour late, so I offered to keep her company for an hour and suggested we go across the street to Barneys (The Liffey Bar) on Eden Quay...Well ye know how one pint ends up being four, and when I looked at me watch, it was already too late for her to catch the Tipperary special. So I offered to escort her back to her flat in Gardiner Street. The poor girl had just one room with no heat. The decor was understated, with bare walls save for a picture of the Pope and John F. Kennedy, and an old Macra Na Feirme poster of a ballroom dance in Cloheen..."Would ye like a "poh-a-tay" and some biscuits!" she said. "All I have is Marietta."..."That`s grand luv"....Well one thing led to another, and being the good christian that I am, I felt sorry for her being all alone in this cold, dank, flat....So I offered to stay the night and keep her "warm." So Sue, as you can see, I was just fulfilling my good Christian duty helping poor culchie damselsin distress. I`ll meet ye tomorrow outside Uncle Georges Petshop so we can go buy some bikinis at Dunnes Stores....Luv....Tony.

Slums of Dublin...Part7(Ger's Gaffe.)

"But I thought the Grand National was a horse race?" sez Paulie.(He`s a culchie, need I explain!)...anyway Ger is a fine filly...and well-bred...look at Bridie! Well the smell of the coddle wafted out from the kitchen...I was lickin` me eyebrows in anticipation. Then Ger nodded over to me to go in the back room for a "quickie"...(Every time I go to her gaffe, we go in the back for a quickie to get away from Bridie`s prying eyes.)...It was in the back room that she gave me the "bad" news. "Paulie and Penelope have four tickets in the Hogan stand for the big match in Croker on Sunday between Dublin and Kerry, and they want us to go with them." ..."4FuxSake!...Ye know I always have me spot picked out with the lads on Hill 16!"..."If ye go with them, I`ll give ye yer "special!"...I could never refuse one of Ger`s specials, so I reluctantly agreed to go with the culchies....Bridie arrives at the dinner table with a huge pot full of sausages, rashers, carrots, potatoes, etc..."Begob, that’s a grand lookin` "male" there Mrs. O`Kelly" sez Paulie. "Sure yer a fine cook Auntie Bridie, although I can`t say the same for Ger" sez Penelope...Then Bridie roars out "Jacintha! (Ger`s little sister who was in the front room watchin` telly), Come in for yah dinaw."..."Ah ma, I`m watchin` Wanderly Wagon."..."Wandery f**kin` Wagon!, the shite chisselers watch today, in my day they had Daithi Lacha and School around the corner, with Paddy Crosby!...If I ever see that bleedin` FortyCoats in town, I`ll give him such a kick in the b*LL*x...Will ye get bleedin` in her right now!"..."HowYe Jacintha! Do ye have a boyfriend yet?" sez I. "Will ye shut bleedin` up, yer makin` me scarlet!"..

Slums of Dublin...Part6 (Sheriff St.)

As I walked into the flats, I got that nervous feeling again. A voice wafted across from the 3rd floor of Laurence’s Mansions...."Pierre, Concepta, yer dinner’s poured...Come in for yizzer souuup". (Isn’t it funny how working-class Dublin mothers give their children "posh" names.) I get to Ger`s door and shout in the broken letterbox "Come out with yer bleedin` hands up, this is the Store Street gardai!"...Ger came out in her "Penney’s" bathrobe with a towel around her head. "Hooya, come in, me "cousind" Penelope (Irishh) and her boyfriend Paulie(Pol1) are here from the country." I knew I could smell "slurry" the minute I walked in the door. I went into the parlor and introduced meself. They sure looked like bleedin` culchies alright. Paulie was wearin` a pair of wranglers way too tight for him. The crack of his arse was showin` and a big bleedin` culchie beerbelly hung over the front of his jeans. There was the obligatory wad of keys hangin` out of his belt. I had a quick look at the back of his neck to see was it really red and jaysus ye could fry and egg on it, if ye had and egg. (Sally O`Brien, where are ye when we need ye!"). Penelope was a big strapping country girl with clothes straight out of Guineys. (Does anybody remember getting the confirmation outfit in Guineys...The salesman tells you what to wear rather than the other way round.)..."I told Paulie and Penelope that we would show them the nightlife scene in Dublin" sez Ger. "And we don`t want none of them "dishcos" or other quare places." sez Paulie. "Oh F***"I thought to meself, that means were left with The Ierne, The National, or the Garda Boat Club... The smell of manure will be ripe tonight...."Well how about the National, thats where me and Ger met!" sez I...."As a matter of fact, Bridie always jokes with me",..."Where did ye meet yer mot"...."At the National"..."What!...Ye mean the Grand National" Ger always goes bleedin` scarlet when I tell people what her oulwan sez...

Slums of Dublin...Part5 (Moore St.)

I was already a half hour late as l lashed up Henry street and Mary street all the way to Smithfield market to get me pram full of fruit and veg. I had to get it to "Big Muriel (she had a stall in Moore St.), and I knew she was goin` to bleedin` let into me cause l was late. Now Big Muriel was a horse of a woman with a tatoo on each shoulder...I luv Wacker... and...I luv Micka. Strangely though, her husband’s name is Cyril. (BTW, she is based on a real character called Big Mary who once had an American tourist come up to her and buy a dozen apples. As he was walking away, he noticed only 10 apples in his bag and went back to inquire..."Ah Jayz luv, two of the apples were rotten, so I trun them out".)..."Where the f*** were you! I had to sell me customers’ last week’s fruit?"..."Ah jayz sorry Muriel" sez I as I proceeded to check the tomatoes to find a nice fresh one to lorry into. "Jaysus, just cause I know ye, doesn’t mean ye can squeeze me fruit?". Then I went into Buckleys the butchers to get a pound of Donnelly’s sausages to bring with me to Ger`s Gaffe in Sherrifer, cause Bridie was goin to make us a coddle for dinner....So I walked back down Henry St, Talbot St. and Amiens St. and around the corner to Sheriffer...

Slums of Dublin...Part4 (Flowing Tide)

Flashback Part 5: Monday morning 7:15am...I’m laying in bed dreamin` about Caroline when me oulwan shouts up the stairs..."Will ye get bleedin` up, yer late for the dole office...That’s what ye get for galavantin` with wans from jayzus knows where, `til all hours. "...I grab a rasher sambo and rush out the door...only 30mins to get to the Gardiner street exchange. I jump on the 53 bus and go upstairs to smoke a major... Me nerves were bleedin` shattered cause it’s already July 1st and I had three different "mots" wantin` to go on three different holliers....Caroline wanted to go to Butlins Mosney, Ger wanted to go to BlackPool, and Susan wanted to go to Benalmadena. Now how the f*** am I goin` to afford all that with just me dole money and workin` on the sly, doin` nixers for the fruit and vegsellers in Moore Street? I’m in the exchange in Gardiner Street collectin` me 25 quid dole when I bump into Phil. As always, he asks me to go for a pint in the Flowing Tide. "Jayz Phil, every week you go in for one and you end up gettin` bleedin` scuttered."....So around the corner we head to Middle Abbey Street...We’re sitting at the bar, when a bird in a miniskirt walks by on her way to the jax. "Jayz, I wouldn’t mind givin` her a lash" sez Phil..."But did ye get a gander at her mush, she has a bleedin` mustache" sez I...."A for f*** sake, ye don’t look at the mantlepiece when yer pokin` the fire, do ye?". After the third pint I had to drag meself away from Phil. "Jayz Phil, I have to go and do a nixer in Moore street" ....

Slums of Dublin...Part3 (Apartment Disco)

Around the corner we went, onto Fleet lane and into the Apartment Disco. We just got in the door when who did I spot only Phil and Mags..."Holy St. Hanna" I said to meself, I hope Mags doesn’t open her gob about last night. If Caroline finds out about Sue, I’m a gonner... I gave Phil a nudge and he copped on straight away, but Mags was dying to open her gob(the nosey bitch). "Hey Caroline, this is me mate Phil and his mot Mags"..."Hoooya!"...."Hey Caroline, do ye want te go to the toilet?" sez Mags..and off the two of them go...(Now there are two things in life that have always baffled me... one was where the bleedin` ducks went in the winter (Catcher in the Rye) and the other was why do women always go to the jax in pairs...Do they need to hold each others hands?). So we were rockin away to the disco sounds of "Rock the Boat" by Hues Corporation, and Rock me Gently" by Andy Kim, and "Rock your Baby" by George McCrae, when Noel the deejay puts on "Satisfaction" by the Stones. In a flash a circle forms and I barrel in to do "Jagger". Then Mags jumps into the circle after me kickin` her legs so high, that her Dunne’s Stores (St. Bernard brand) knickers were showin. Then Phil and Caroline join in and we are all sweatin like bleedin` pigs. Then Noel the Deejay sez "We’re going to slow it down now nice in slow with "Honey" by Bobby Goldsboro"...Before I could say no, Mags grabs me and sez "Are ye gettin up!". So we were smoochin` away when I noticed her Magie Noir perfume smelled very very familiar..."Jayz Mags, ye smell like a whore`s handbag"..."Well ye bleedin` loved it last night didn’t ye" she said. "Mother of Divine" I thought to meself, now I remember... and she’s still wearin the same bleedin knickers...."If you say anything to Caroline about Sue, I’ll bleedin` string ye up."...Then Noelput on "Midnight Train to Georgia" by Gladys Knight and the Pips, and I started to smooch with Caroline. Well between dancing real close and all the sweat from doing Jagger, I got the "excitement" (Angela’s Ashes)..."Hey Caroline, do ye want to go outside for a quickie."...She looked up at me with those doting blue eyes and nodded approval...So went outside around the corner onto Fleet Street..."Just think Caroline, in another two years when we’re 18, we’ll be able to go there to Sloopys Nightclub (Does anybody remember the ad at the pictures where a cool guy comes out of Sloopys and jumps into a convertible?)...We headed across Westmoreland street to the little archway underneath the "Zhivago`s Nightclub" sign (where love stories begin!). Caroline stood with her back up against the wall. In this light she looked like Maxie, Dick, and Twink all rolled into one...simply adorable. I gently pushed back her soft curls and nibbled on her ear. Then I threw my head back to get a look at cherub cheeks. I could see my saliva glint in the moonlight on her earlobe. She looked at me with loving anticipation. Our lips were about to meet when suddenly, this beautiful tender moment was... SHATTERED...by a raspy voice that wafted from across WestMoreland Street. "Did ye get yer ware" shouted Mags (I could’ve killed her, the bleedin` wagon. Ye just know there’s going to be a big bleedin` catfight between Susan, Caroline, and Ger when they find out about each other,(and I can’t trust "mouth almighty" Mags to keep her trap shut, and I don’t want this to happen cause I bleedin love yis all. I was walkin` down by College Green and bump into those guys in the suits from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and they convert me to the Mormon religion. Then I can have a bigamous relationship with all three of you,(although I can’t see Sue and Caroline living under the same roof). Or 2. I could forget about the bleedin` lot of youse and just elope with Mrs. O`Kelly (Gok`s Ma). I know she has the "hots" for me `cause once when I was in the flat in Sheriffer, Ger was in the jax gettin` dolled up when I noticed the bedroom door ajar. I sneaked a peek at Mrs. O`K undressing and she turned around and flashed her diddies at me...I was bleedin` scarlet....

Slums of Dublin...Part2(O'Connell St)

With no money on me, all I could depend on for a night on the town was me other mot, Caroline from O`Devaney Gardens. I asked an oulwan for a shillin to make a phone call and called me mot. She said she’d meet me at the number 10 bus stop in O’Connell Street, in front of the Savoy Picture house.
I was waitin and waitin at the 10 bus stop with not a penny to me name staring at the queue for the Savoy Picture house, when I noticed all the tightwads going into to sweet shop next door gettin supplies for the pictures. I was waitin on me mot Caroline, (speaking of which, she was a bit of a bleedin cheapskate herself, (she’d peel an orange in her pocket)). It was already 6pm and I was bleedin starvin, when finally the number l0 pulls in. Caroline ascends from the bus looking like the Queen of Sheba. (Now I have to tell yis a bit about Caroline...she was bleedin gorgeous...All she needed to do was flash her thrupennybits and she’d have every fella near her eating chips out of her knickers...She could walk into any pub in Manor street, and in a flash, all the patrons would freeze, with jaws dropped and mouths wide open, sporting frothy white Arthur Guinness moustaches...and as her svelte figure glided across the floor you’d hear comments like "Sufferin` Jaysus! would ye look at the gazongas on that one." ..."Jayz Caroline, Yer lookin` smashin` in yer polyester shirt and bellbottoms...How much money have ye?"..."A Fiver! Jayz that’s not goin to get us much"...."I told ye before I’m savin` for me hollyers in Butlins Mosney"...So over O’Connell bridge we strolled and stopped at the Kylemore Bakery in WestMoreland Street where Caroline bought the special...four cream buns for a pound and stuffed them into her handbag. Then we went next door to Bewleys Cafe and bought two coffees at 50p each, and sneaked into the corner where I lorried into the cream buns. "Have ye got yer membership card for the Apartment? ...I hope that mad bouncer Wacker Malone is not on the door again" sez I..."He threw me out last week cause I head butted a skinhead from Cabra when he started throwin` shapes on the dance floor"... to be continued.

Slums of Dublin Part 1 (NorthWall)

The following is excerpted from IrishAbroad circa 2000:
Flashback .Sunday morning 11am...Woke up to the sound of me oulwan bawlin up the stairs..."Will ye get bleedin up, and go and get me the News of the World outside the church for jaysus sake, out til all hours last night"....Me head was bleedin spinning...I could never handle those rock shandys. I was rackin me brains tryin to remember what happened with Suzie, Phil, and Mags, and for the life of me I couldn’t remember...The waft of Kearns` sausage’s wrapped in batch loaf smothered in lashings of grease was what greeted me at breakfast (I luv me mammies cooookin)..."What were you doin with that brazzer Susan from Cabra `til 4 o’clock this mornin"..."Ah jayz ma, don’t get me started". At 12 o’clock I headed over Johnny Cullen`s hill and into "Sherriffer". (I was on me way to see me second mot, Ger). Now Sherriff Street in the Seventies was not a place for the weak of heart (They eat their young).I passed by a few burned out BMW`s (remnants of the "nascar rally" from the night before. This was a regular occurrence every Saturday night when all the kids come out for the joyriding spectacle. There were many a "Starsky and Hutch", or "Dukes of Hazzard" wannabees. As I turned into the flats I got butterflies in me stomach (I always get a little nervous here). Ger lived on the third floor of St. Laurence’s Mansions (Why do they always call them after saints). I was gettin nosy stares from two oulwans on the second floor as I approached the stairs. "Have I got ten bleedin heads or somethin?" Next a gollier landed just inches from me feet. (ye don’t mess with these "ladies"). There was no knocker on Ger`s door, so I shouted through the broken letterbox, "This is the gardai, come out with yer hands up!". Out comes Ger`s oulwan with her hair in curlers and no false teeth in. "A jayz Mrs. O`Kelly, is Ger in?"..."She’s in the bleedin jax tartin herself up."...Then out comes Ger dressed in her Sunday best...a pair of black leather loafers, "BayCityRoller" parallel jeans with a tartan stripe, a haltertop showing her bellybutton, a "Gilbert O Sullivan" sweater, and a tartan scarf wrapped around her right wrist...As you can tell, she was mad into the Bay City Rollers. (Her main claim to fame was that Woody spit on her at a concert in the National Stadium, (although Eric was her favorite)). "Hoooya" siz I..."Its me ma`s birthday next week, giv`er a goozer!" sez Ger, (Did you ever kiss a woman in curlers with no teeth?)..."She’s goin to see Tom Jones at the Carleton next week for her birthday. Yesterday she bought 6 pairs of knickers in Dunne’s stores, so that she could throw them up on stage." ..."Jayz, have ye nuttin` better te do Mrs. O`Kelly?"...So off we went down the docks for a quick smooch. We bumped into Ger`s mate Liz outside the Liverpool Bar...She was holdin up the wall, with a fag hangin from the side of her mouth. "Hoooya Liz" sez Ger..."What are ye all bleedin dolled up for?" (She was plastered with bright red lipstick, and wore hot pants that barely covered her arse)..."Mind yer nose, I’m bleedin busy right now!"...So off we went...It was only then I realized the S.V. Hamburg was docked in the harbor that weekend Then we bumped into a gang of chisellers from the flats..."Younfle...Giz yer odds" they said..."I will in me arse" sez I...Then the little bollixs` jumped me and Ger did a runner back to the flats. By the time I got up, they had scarpered off with me fiver (all I had in me pocket). "Yez scumbags, Wait til I bleedin get yez", and I chased them `til I was knackered out. ……to be continued.