Slums of Dublin...Part5 (Moore St.)

I was already a half hour late as l lashed up Henry street and Mary street all the way to Smithfield market to get me pram full of fruit and veg. I had to get it to "Big Muriel (she had a stall in Moore St.), and I knew she was goin` to bleedin` let into me cause l was late. Now Big Muriel was a horse of a woman with a tatoo on each shoulder...I luv Wacker... and...I luv Micka. Strangely though, her husband’s name is Cyril. (BTW, she is based on a real character called Big Mary who once had an American tourist come up to her and buy a dozen apples. As he was walking away, he noticed only 10 apples in his bag and went back to inquire..."Ah Jayz luv, two of the apples were rotten, so I trun them out".)..."Where the f*** were you! I had to sell me customers’ last week’s fruit?"..."Ah jayz sorry Muriel" sez I as I proceeded to check the tomatoes to find a nice fresh one to lorry into. "Jaysus, just cause I know ye, doesn’t mean ye can squeeze me fruit?". Then I went into Buckleys the butchers to get a pound of Donnelly’s sausages to bring with me to Ger`s Gaffe in Sherrifer, cause Bridie was goin to make us a coddle for dinner....So I walked back down Henry St, Talbot St. and Amiens St. and around the corner to Sheriffer...

Slums of Dublin...Part4 (Flowing Tide)

Flashback Part 5: Monday morning 7:15am...I’m laying in bed dreamin` about Caroline when me oulwan shouts up the stairs..."Will ye get bleedin` up, yer late for the dole office...That’s what ye get for galavantin` with wans from jayzus knows where, `til all hours. "...I grab a rasher sambo and rush out the door...only 30mins to get to the Gardiner street exchange. I jump on the 53 bus and go upstairs to smoke a major... Me nerves were bleedin` shattered cause it’s already July 1st and I had three different "mots" wantin` to go on three different holliers....Caroline wanted to go to Butlins Mosney, Ger wanted to go to BlackPool, and Susan wanted to go to Benalmadena. Now how the f*** am I goin` to afford all that with just me dole money and workin` on the sly, doin` nixers for the fruit and vegsellers in Moore Street? I’m in the exchange in Gardiner Street collectin` me 25 quid dole when I bump into Phil. As always, he asks me to go for a pint in the Flowing Tide. "Jayz Phil, every week you go in for one and you end up gettin` bleedin` scuttered."....So around the corner we head to Middle Abbey Street...We’re sitting at the bar, when a bird in a miniskirt walks by on her way to the jax. "Jayz, I wouldn’t mind givin` her a lash" sez Phil..."But did ye get a gander at her mush, she has a bleedin` mustache" sez I...."A for f*** sake, ye don’t look at the mantlepiece when yer pokin` the fire, do ye?". After the third pint I had to drag meself away from Phil. "Jayz Phil, I have to go and do a nixer in Moore street" ....

Slums of Dublin...Part3 (Apartment Disco)

Around the corner we went, onto Fleet lane and into the Apartment Disco. We just got in the door when who did I spot only Phil and Mags..."Holy St. Hanna" I said to meself, I hope Mags doesn’t open her gob about last night. If Caroline finds out about Sue, I’m a gonner... I gave Phil a nudge and he copped on straight away, but Mags was dying to open her gob(the nosey bitch). "Hey Caroline, this is me mate Phil and his mot Mags"..."Hoooya!"...."Hey Caroline, do ye want te go to the toilet?" sez Mags..and off the two of them go...(Now there are two things in life that have always baffled me... one was where the bleedin` ducks went in the winter (Catcher in the Rye) and the other was why do women always go to the jax in pairs...Do they need to hold each others hands?). So we were rockin away to the disco sounds of "Rock the Boat" by Hues Corporation, and Rock me Gently" by Andy Kim, and "Rock your Baby" by George McCrae, when Noel the deejay puts on "Satisfaction" by the Stones. In a flash a circle forms and I barrel in to do "Jagger". Then Mags jumps into the circle after me kickin` her legs so high, that her Dunne’s Stores (St. Bernard brand) knickers were showin. Then Phil and Caroline join in and we are all sweatin like bleedin` pigs. Then Noel the Deejay sez "We’re going to slow it down now nice in slow with "Honey" by Bobby Goldsboro"...Before I could say no, Mags grabs me and sez "Are ye gettin up!". So we were smoochin` away when I noticed her Magie Noir perfume smelled very very familiar..."Jayz Mags, ye smell like a whore`s handbag"..."Well ye bleedin` loved it last night didn’t ye" she said. "Mother of Divine" I thought to meself, now I remember... and she’s still wearin the same bleedin knickers...."If you say anything to Caroline about Sue, I’ll bleedin` string ye up."...Then Noelput on "Midnight Train to Georgia" by Gladys Knight and the Pips, and I started to smooch with Caroline. Well between dancing real close and all the sweat from doing Jagger, I got the "excitement" (Angela’s Ashes)..."Hey Caroline, do ye want to go outside for a quickie."...She looked up at me with those doting blue eyes and nodded approval...So went outside around the corner onto Fleet Street..."Just think Caroline, in another two years when we’re 18, we’ll be able to go there to Sloopys Nightclub (Does anybody remember the ad at the pictures where a cool guy comes out of Sloopys and jumps into a convertible?)...We headed across Westmoreland street to the little archway underneath the "Zhivago`s Nightclub" sign (where love stories begin!). Caroline stood with her back up against the wall. In this light she looked like Maxie, Dick, and Twink all rolled into one...simply adorable. I gently pushed back her soft curls and nibbled on her ear. Then I threw my head back to get a look at cherub cheeks. I could see my saliva glint in the moonlight on her earlobe. She looked at me with loving anticipation. Our lips were about to meet when suddenly, this beautiful tender moment was... SHATTERED...by a raspy voice that wafted from across WestMoreland Street. "Did ye get yer ware" shouted Mags (I could’ve killed her, the bleedin` wagon. Ye just know there’s going to be a big bleedin` catfight between Susan, Caroline, and Ger when they find out about each other,(and I can’t trust "mouth almighty" Mags to keep her trap shut, and I don’t want this to happen cause I bleedin love yis all. I was walkin` down by College Green and bump into those guys in the suits from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and they convert me to the Mormon religion. Then I can have a bigamous relationship with all three of you,(although I can’t see Sue and Caroline living under the same roof). Or 2. I could forget about the bleedin` lot of youse and just elope with Mrs. O`Kelly (Gok`s Ma). I know she has the "hots" for me `cause once when I was in the flat in Sheriffer, Ger was in the jax gettin` dolled up when I noticed the bedroom door ajar. I sneaked a peek at Mrs. O`K undressing and she turned around and flashed her diddies at me...I was bleedin` scarlet....

Slums of Dublin...Part2(O'Connell St)

With no money on me, all I could depend on for a night on the town was me other mot, Caroline from O`Devaney Gardens. I asked an oulwan for a shillin to make a phone call and called me mot. She said she’d meet me at the number 10 bus stop in O’Connell Street, in front of the Savoy Picture house.
I was waitin and waitin at the 10 bus stop with not a penny to me name staring at the queue for the Savoy Picture house, when I noticed all the tightwads going into to sweet shop next door gettin supplies for the pictures. I was waitin on me mot Caroline, (speaking of which, she was a bit of a bleedin cheapskate herself, (she’d peel an orange in her pocket)). It was already 6pm and I was bleedin starvin, when finally the number l0 pulls in. Caroline ascends from the bus looking like the Queen of Sheba. (Now I have to tell yis a bit about Caroline...she was bleedin gorgeous...All she needed to do was flash her thrupennybits and she’d have every fella near her eating chips out of her knickers...She could walk into any pub in Manor street, and in a flash, all the patrons would freeze, with jaws dropped and mouths wide open, sporting frothy white Arthur Guinness moustaches...and as her svelte figure glided across the floor you’d hear comments like "Sufferin` Jaysus! would ye look at the gazongas on that one." ..."Jayz Caroline, Yer lookin` smashin` in yer polyester shirt and bellbottoms...How much money have ye?"..."A Fiver! Jayz that’s not goin to get us much"...."I told ye before I’m savin` for me hollyers in Butlins Mosney"...So over O’Connell bridge we strolled and stopped at the Kylemore Bakery in WestMoreland Street where Caroline bought the special...four cream buns for a pound and stuffed them into her handbag. Then we went next door to Bewleys Cafe and bought two coffees at 50p each, and sneaked into the corner where I lorried into the cream buns. "Have ye got yer membership card for the Apartment? ...I hope that mad bouncer Wacker Malone is not on the door again" sez I..."He threw me out last week cause I head butted a skinhead from Cabra when he started throwin` shapes on the dance floor"... to be continued.

Slums of Dublin Part 1 (NorthWall)

The following is excerpted from IrishAbroad circa 2000:
Flashback .Sunday morning 11am...Woke up to the sound of me oulwan bawlin up the stairs..."Will ye get bleedin up, and go and get me the News of the World outside the church for jaysus sake, out til all hours last night"....Me head was bleedin spinning...I could never handle those rock shandys. I was rackin me brains tryin to remember what happened with Suzie, Phil, and Mags, and for the life of me I couldn’t remember...The waft of Kearns` sausage’s wrapped in batch loaf smothered in lashings of grease was what greeted me at breakfast (I luv me mammies cooookin)..."What were you doin with that brazzer Susan from Cabra `til 4 o’clock this mornin"..."Ah jayz ma, don’t get me started". At 12 o’clock I headed over Johnny Cullen`s hill and into "Sherriffer". (I was on me way to see me second mot, Ger). Now Sherriff Street in the Seventies was not a place for the weak of heart (They eat their young).I passed by a few burned out BMW`s (remnants of the "nascar rally" from the night before. This was a regular occurrence every Saturday night when all the kids come out for the joyriding spectacle. There were many a "Starsky and Hutch", or "Dukes of Hazzard" wannabees. As I turned into the flats I got butterflies in me stomach (I always get a little nervous here). Ger lived on the third floor of St. Laurence’s Mansions (Why do they always call them after saints). I was gettin nosy stares from two oulwans on the second floor as I approached the stairs. "Have I got ten bleedin heads or somethin?" Next a gollier landed just inches from me feet. (ye don’t mess with these "ladies"). There was no knocker on Ger`s door, so I shouted through the broken letterbox, "This is the gardai, come out with yer hands up!". Out comes Ger`s oulwan with her hair in curlers and no false teeth in. "A jayz Mrs. O`Kelly, is Ger in?"..."She’s in the bleedin jax tartin herself up."...Then out comes Ger dressed in her Sunday best...a pair of black leather loafers, "BayCityRoller" parallel jeans with a tartan stripe, a haltertop showing her bellybutton, a "Gilbert O Sullivan" sweater, and a tartan scarf wrapped around her right wrist...As you can tell, she was mad into the Bay City Rollers. (Her main claim to fame was that Woody spit on her at a concert in the National Stadium, (although Eric was her favorite)). "Hoooya" siz I..."Its me ma`s birthday next week, giv`er a goozer!" sez Ger, (Did you ever kiss a woman in curlers with no teeth?)..."She’s goin to see Tom Jones at the Carleton next week for her birthday. Yesterday she bought 6 pairs of knickers in Dunne’s stores, so that she could throw them up on stage." ..."Jayz, have ye nuttin` better te do Mrs. O`Kelly?"...So off we went down the docks for a quick smooch. We bumped into Ger`s mate Liz outside the Liverpool Bar...She was holdin up the wall, with a fag hangin from the side of her mouth. "Hoooya Liz" sez Ger..."What are ye all bleedin dolled up for?" (She was plastered with bright red lipstick, and wore hot pants that barely covered her arse)..."Mind yer nose, I’m bleedin busy right now!"...So off we went...It was only then I realized the S.V. Hamburg was docked in the harbor that weekend Then we bumped into a gang of chisellers from the flats..."Younfle...Giz yer odds" they said..."I will in me arse" sez I...Then the little bollixs` jumped me and Ger did a runner back to the flats. By the time I got up, they had scarpered off with me fiver (all I had in me pocket). "Yez scumbags, Wait til I bleedin get yez", and I chased them `til I was knackered out. ……to be continued.